Adjusting My Halo, Righting My Wrongs, & Taking an L
(“End of Self Abuse”–by Babyinamorata— www.deviantart.com )
I am not perfect. I often speak before I think, constantly have the wrong timing, am frustrated easily, distracted easier with high expectations of everyone and every thing around me. I think with my heart before my mind can get a word in edgewise and I cry when I’m frustrated. I can eloquently elaborate my feelings and thoughts through written word yet stutter and stammer when speaking them out loud. I get lost in my own world and neglect people and things that I love in the process. I have a cranky attitude some days and I am nit-picky about certain things in my life. I over shop, have a shoe and purse addiction (not to mention lip gloss and jewelry)… I am not a video model with a HUGE monstrous booty and I don’t always put on makeup or comb my hair or shave my legs. I hate getting up for work in the mornings but I am an early bird on my days off. I have made and will make mistakes, blunders, errors, fuck-ups.
I am not perfect.
Most times I am unapologetic for my flaws…I embrace them as part of who I am. But sometimes I get caught up in the whole ego aspect of things. Pride can get in the way of communicating and repairing things…. it can get in the way of your own self-actualization. You’re so busy trying to protect yourself from getting “played” or from being made to “look like a sucker” that you often put up a roadblock to any communciation that might clarify and ease the issue. Furthermore, this constant need to show you’re tough, that you’re the one in control and not to blame blocks you from learning things about yourself that you can change because let’s be real…. it’s not ALWAYS the other person’s fault, ya dig? Sometimes the energy invested in trying to protect your ego is exhausting. Sometimes when you’re wrong, you’re just wrong. Accepting responsibility for your actions can be hard if you allow your pride to get the best of you.
I’m spouting off line after line of knowledge but this all did not come to me over night. It actually arose from the culmination of my past and present. So many times in the past, it was best for me to stand my ground, to protect my ego which I so often mistook for my heart. My devastation after falling out with someone I “loved” was merely me questioning my worth and questioning my capabilities, when all along the truth was that there was never any love at all and neither I , nor my imperfections were to blame. However, because of my own doubts and questions, I was constantly on the defensive….constantly looking for the release that would assure me that I was okay and that I was worthy of whatever I felt I deserved.
It’s only now that I can see clearly the effects of my past errors in life on my self esteem, my future relationships, and the style in which I live my life.
I guess what all this means to me now is this. My biggest imperfection has been my hiding behind my tough cookie act. It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to say, “You know what? I was wrong and though I am angry about some things, I take responsibility for my own actions.” It has proven to be a difficult task to let down my guards enough to show those imperfections. I love myself more now because I can love on the strength of my own self-epiphanies and the lessons I’m learning every day about myself through loving him, my family, my friends and myself.
I am not perfect but at the end, perfection is merely an illusion.
All that remains is two people trying to discard the baggage from past hurts and live a fruitful life, be it together or be it alone. And that’s word.
Does he have his own flaws? OH HELL to the YEAH. But this isn’t about him…..not necessarily.
This is about me and my own realizations of the woman, friend, lover, sister and daughter I want to be. I was never a woman to believe in second chances or showing who I really was. I balanced precariously on the edge of vulnerability only to shield myself when the wind seemed to pick up. I know…I speak in metaphors….blame it on the poet in me. I have skeletons in my closet and fears from my past, idiosyncracies and complexes and flaws and scars. But that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. I have a heart that can love to it’s fullest potential, no matter what devastation has marred its innocence or what heartaches threaten to shadow my future.
I am beautiful despite my contradictions, despite my slip-ups and frustrations, despite my attitude…despite my crooked halo.
I was going to write about the six types of love…. how each one is different and which ones I felt I have experienced in my short life. But I decided against it because what I’m trying to explain to you guys is that NO ONE is perfect and that no love can be defined in perfect little categories. This love shit is hard fucking work.
In the end, there is no such thing as a perfect couple or a perfect friendship. There are only ones that can constantly be learned from…. ones that can be improved upon or enjoyed. The trick is to know when to admit your halo is off kilter…when to take that L and swallow your pride for the sake of that relationship/friendship. The trick is to admit when you’re wrong and be able to communicate your own frustrations in a non-confrontational manner. Just remember that I never said it was easy….’cuz Lord knows it ain’t easy for me.
Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime (Follow me on Twitter!!!!)
