Second Chances and Communicating My Heart (Beginning at the Beginning)
<a href=”
http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/1560260/wwwpenhittingpapercom?claim=rc3zz4ncg2d”>Follow
(“Perfect Beginnings” – by Toaster_Crepe—-www.deviantart.com)
Life is full of unexpected things. I was hit with appendicitis the first week of February 2010, which unfortunately also happened to be the first full week of my second semester back in college. Talk about unexpected. LoL. It had me out of commission for two weeks. Unable to bounce back the next day (duh)….my recovery gave me all that time to think.
The unexpected usually scares the shit out of us. It comes out of the blue and has, for the most part, the WORST timing. Suddenly, we’re faced with a decision to make, a road to walk on (or walk away from), or a detour. What do you do when faced with the unexpected? Does it leave you scrambling? At a crossroads?
For me, as hard headed as I am, I embraced the repercussions of the pause button placed on my life. This meant giving someone I love a second chance after a very tumultous beginning. There was a time I thought I could never forgive or forget….a time when my anger, my frustrations, and my hurt seemed to have me in a vice grip. I shook it off with every step and stride he took to prove it was worth a try. And now? I’m deliciously and unexpectedly happy. I guess it’s not always a bad thing, huh?
Is it a risk? Oh shit yeah. Is it scary? Abso-friggin-lutely. But I see a change in the way we deal with each other… it’s almost as if we are beginning at the beginning. There’s more honesty, more consideration, more love. Is it going to be easy? Nah…nothing ever is. Do we have issues that need to be worked through? Yes… we most certainly do. But am I willing to take that chance and try again? YUP. Making this decision was not made lightly. I struggled with the idea for a long time. There were times I even denied my feelings because I was so intent on being that woman that believed giving a second chance meant I was a sucker (hurt me twice, shame on me kind of thing). And after much thought and MUCH communication, I decided to throw my middle finger up at my own fears and go for it. I don’t know where we will end up or where this decision will take us. But I hope it’s farther than far…LoL.
YES…..I love you, PTP… let’s BOTH (yes, me too) try not to fuck it up this time, shall we? LoL.
In speaking of communication, I must relay this to the poem I posted today “Black Hole.” The piece was written as a way to sound off on the people in my life that were so self involved that they abused the love/friendship we had. It’s smoldering with animosity, but actually, I wrote it to communicate how strong I am now.
I am happy now,sure…. but my reasons for writing the poem, for distancing myself from certain heavy presences in my life…for putting up my own walls is not because I have finally found happiness….HA, I wish it were that easy! You see, there have been many a time I have allowed the drama and the bullshit to repeat itself. It became apparent that I was always the one reaching out, communicating about an issue, trying to solve it on my own. Responses were usually brick wall blank faces, cold shoulder treatment, bullshit subliminal messages, covert little mind fucks and dramatical dramatics…LmaO.
I finally decided that if a person in my life cannot communicate their emotions (whether it’s good or bad), if they cannot tell me when I have wronged them or made them happy…then what is the relationship good for really? How is it productive to play the same record over and over again? How can a person resolve matters with silence and a quick brush off? How can one person resolve matters by pretending it never happened? You can’t loves…as nice and easy breezy as that sounds, it just doesn’t work like that. Because, just like my scenarios, the record will just spin the same song, even when you pretend not to hear it. The issue is still there, waiting for the opportunity to rear its head again. I know the words of the song already… let’s play something else.
In order to resolve things, communication and honesty is needed. Just like I said…here is the problem, let’s find a resolution. Does it suck that some people in my life need to fade out for awhile until they get what I mean? FUCK YEAH! Do I miss these people? YES. But you see, I am a talker and I realize how difficult it may be for others to express their TRUE emotions and not some sugar coated appearance to the world. I get it. But putting your emotions in the back of the closet like out of style shoes….by closing the door on communicating the issues… you close the door on ever resolving and repairing things with me.
In saying all of that, PTP and I have decided that this will no longer be us. We realized that one of our biggest issues was the fact that we hid things from each other. Omission of the truth is still a betrayal, is still a lie. So we decided…even if it sears the heart, even if it sucks to hear, even if it hurts….we say it. Honesty and communication are paving the way for us. I can dig it. I am taking a HUGE risk in laying my heart and my intentions bare like this, and it’s uncomfortable because I have no idea what the future holds. But even if it doesn’t work…I can walk away knowing I played my cards right, knowing I showed my hand….knowing I didn’t bluff.
Now….let me address you, my beautiful loving readers. What I want you to take from this is simple….embrace the unexpected changes and moments of life because it’s only God telling you that you put the track on repeat…time to drop another beat, homey. Live your life honestly. There’s only one you and one life to live, and a deceit to the world is a deceit to yourself. NEVER be afraid to communicate how you feel with people in your life. It’s a shame when you have to walk away from a friendship or a lover because of a lack of communication.
It’s easy to communicate though…here, I’ll help you begin at the beginning:
“I feel….insert emotion here.”
Until next time my darlings
;o) @Imani_Sublime —follow me on Twitter y’all!
