(“For Shame of Doing Wrong” By Offering—www.deviantART.com)

I haven’t posted in a while and I have neglected the site. I admit it. I have been so distracted that I haven’t had the concentration it takes to get these postings done. And booooooooooooooy, what a roller coaster I have been on. Let’s begin, shall we?

Recently, I was violated in a way that I never thought anyone would attack me. I was devastated at the violation, the disrespect, the blatant cruelty that these particular individuals cast on me. I am still struggling emotionally with what happened. It was an attempt to hurt me, to make me feel shame about my body and sexuality.  I have never been one to be ashamed of my body, even at this presently thickest stage of my life.  I have posed nude, in all of my voluptuousness, for artists and have never been one to be squeamish about expressing my sexuality or my womanhood, especially to a man that I have been or wanted to be with.  Yet, this juvenile attack on me called me out of my name, labeled that same confidence and pride as “smuttiness,” as “being a ho,” as a shameful thing that I did. I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality, I am only ashamed I trusted the wrong person, only ashamed of the label which was placed on me.

Have I made stupid mistakes in my life? YES.

Do I claim to be an angel? NO.

Do I claim to be a virgin? Absolutely not.

Do I claim to be better than anyone? No.

But NOTHING I did warranted what happened. NOTHING! I tried everything I could to resolve the issue, to fight back,to get this deleted, erased, destroyed…. but unfortunately was told that there was a slim-to-none chance of exacting any legal actions against these individuals. So, at this point, I am slowly trying to mend the damage it has caused. I can only keep living my life. The world does not stop revolving just because someone has tried to humiliate me.

And, if by chance, you are one of those individuals that attacked me, laughed at me, commented in a cruel manner, judged me, labeled me…I say this to you. I won’t lower myself to say any fuck-yous or go-to-Hells….no…instead, I pray that God has mercy on you when it’s your turn to hurt, when it’s your turn to cry. I won’t bother giving you the boo-hoos or the woe-is-me either. If your goal was to humble me, to place embarrassment and shock in my spirit, to slap me in the face….to hurt me…. then congratulations, you have accomplished your goal.  Feel proud that you have anonymously attacked me in the most cowardly and juvenile way possible. I hope that one day in your life, you realize the errors of your ways and turn to God for forgiveness. I have no doubt in my mind that you believe you have won some kind of victory. But alas, you have not won, my dear…no… I win because I walk away from this with lessons and thicker skin. I win because I have stumbled but not fallen.  I win because my faith is stronger than your hate. You see, I know and God knows…the people that love me and know the truest me…. know that despite my flaws and errors in life… despite this particular stumble…that I am NOT what you say I am. And that makes me the winner. All you did was strengthen my family ties, make my real friendships realer and the fake ones fall to the wayside, make my skin thicker and my trust thinner. So I win. *Insert Rocky theme song*

I am on the verge of tears writing this because it has changed the very scope of my life, brought me back to emotional places in my past I thought I had rid my spirit of. It has given me flashbacks of past violations that have permanently scarred me. I sank to a place I never thought I would go…a dark place that with the help of loving family and friends and with my faith…I am slowly pulling myself out of. I am going to my third semester back in college and have embraced the path and direction I have chosen for myself…I have accepted the role that writing has taken in my life, I have loved and lost and all that good shit…I am alone but happily seeking myself. This situation has put my spirit in a vice grip, has made me pray for some kind of release. I am NOT the religious type but I do believe in God…my own God, loosened from the binds of organized religion…. I believe in Him, that entity that surrounds us all with love and teaches us the lessons of our mistakes, that protects us. I DO believe in Jesus Christ so I guess you guys can call me a weird Christian. I trust the Word. So I know that my faith will guide me to the end of this rocky road.  That He will show me the answers through this, that nothing He can ever have me experience is something I cannot handle.

Okay, enough of the spiritual stuff. I’m not a spiritual blogger, never have been, but I do have to acknowledge that my FAITH is the one thing that is making me strong. I read this on Twitter and I loved it so much that it has now become a part of my daily mantra: “Do not tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.” And my God is BIGGER than any obstacle I may face. So, am I shaken by this humbling experience? ABSOLUTELY. But do I trust and have faith that He will guide me out of this? I never doubted it.

How does all of this apply to YOU?

Well, my darlings, I want you to remember that no matter how you play the game there will always be someone that does not applaud you or your progress. You can be the meanest person in the world or the kindest person in the world and there will still be people in your life that will intentionally try to hurt you….and sometimes, you just can’t dodge that bullet. Don’t change the person you are because of the hurt or pain you may experience at the hands of someone else. You are perfect, in all your flaws, scrapes, and scars.  Life doesn’t stop after pain…but no matter what, don’t let go of the faith that things WILL get better, that the wound will heal, that you WILL survive it.  Remember that there are people that love you and care for you, that support you no matter what you do or say. There are people in your life that love you despite any mistake you may make…that love you unconditionally.

The heart is the body’s strongest muscle…and even the biggest of heartbreaks are slowly mended. Trust in the ideas of Karma…in the age-old saying “What goes around comes around.”

But most of all, remember that no matter what, you must keep going…. keep pushing….keep on trucking…. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

Don’t EVER allow hurt to dictate the rest of your life. Because then….the violators DO win. And we can’t let THAT happen, now can we?

God bless you guys.

Until next time mah darlings,
Imani_Sublime (yes, I still bear this name despite their attempt to defile it….I am SUBLIME…always)

*** Warm shout out to my loving and supportive family, @iamcrumbs, @OohErika, @VanillyNYC, @keyla83, @Tenacious618, @Mr_Cuervo, @Perfpersnickety, Promise, Danette, Brichelle among many others …..and yes, my God for bringing me back to my reality and reminding me of the me that I am. My love and appreciation for you is immeasurable***

(“Makeshift WaterPark III- By AntinoWhere- www.deviantART.com)

(This piece was written using the prompt “summer memories” and performed at the 1st La Loba Poetry Night hosted by the incomparable Vanessa Martir. )

Coke Bottle Cans
M-80 dreams of first kisses under August moons…
What fireworks memories can create….
Hot Peas and Butter…
Red Light Green Light..one..two..three
I’ve got you and you’ve got me…
But you’ve got cooties…
Tag, you’re IT, You’re IT…
and I’m not….I’m hot…I’m hot…
DAMN it’s HOT!

You can see it rising off the street in waves…
Hazy pool days and chlorine-scented toallas…
Better have a lock to get into the city pool…
or you assed out like a fat bitch in a thong, kid…
Ham and cheese on Wonder Bread
‘cuz it’s too damn hot to cook…
Doña on the first floor selling homemade limbers for a dollar…
“A dollar? Shit, you can suck on an ice cube for free, ” Dad says.

Fire hydrants on full blast…
Personal hood pools gathering on street corner puddles…
Cars getting free washes…
and big titty girls too cute for their britches
faking a struggle before the cutie in the hood drags them in the water…
“Ay, Pito, you so crazy…look whatchu did to me.”

Before Giuliani made it illegal…
Dad and his boys would jam
on the corner of 195th and Sedgwick…
and for a few hours…
the sound of the street
would vibrate with the sound of their congas…
Transporting all the island imports back to the Carribean
and it seemed like the summer would never end…

Old bedroom sábanas become new park blankets…
Salsa is the sound of the sun…
Tan lines are compared…
“I’m browner than you…”
“Nah man I’m brown year round that tan ain’t shit…”
Thirsty dogs with their tongues out
looking like thirsty men
watching summer dresses gliding down the street…
Fresh meat….

Viejos sipping on Bacardi in coffee cups
and slapping dominoes on tables…
Bodegas selling dreams and quarter waters…
David Sunflower seeds and Super Bubble wads of adolescent nonchalance….
naive kisses tasting like stale Italian ices…
and drippy piraguas over chins now sticky with sweat…
Puerto Rican flags fluttering on windowsills and draped over car hoods…
Yankee fitteds topping crowns of curls or sharp lined fades and Ceasars…
“Damn that goatee looks good on him…”
Whistles from the windows
Letting us know an ass-whooping was waiting
if we didn’t get upstairs ¡AHORA!

Last generation of teens
Without MySpace
Without You Tube…
We watched each other instead…
Smiled and laughed and sat on the trunks of cars
‘Til the mosquitoes bit us raw
and the fireflies lit the night…

But soon those summers were long gone…
and Life was written out in Number 2 pencils….
Schooling us in hard knocks…

And now we know…
We Understand…
We realize why Mami let us stay out even after the streetlights came on…
Why those games of hopscotch and streetball were so damn important…
Why Mister Softee’s jingle became our anthem…
and block parties and bus trips to Dorney Park and Sesame Place remain so special to us…
Why the sound of El Gran Combo blaring from a car stereo
and the scent of sun tan lotion
makes us grin like fools.

We know now…
it only lasted for the summer.

(“Frustration” -By xpixelx — www.deviantART.com)

So, it’s been a while since my last entry to you all…for the past few weeks, it’s been an eddy of movement. I, even without a job, have tried my very best to get the projects I wanted to finish done. The two top projects being “Les Jeux,” my 1st collection of poetry which was successfully released on June 30th (please click on badge on sidebar to order….I appreciate the support and the purchases!) and Poetry in Pink, which is a mere TWO days away. Am I excited for the event? Well, shit yeah. But am I anxious for things to settle down? YES!

I am looking for a job…living off of unemployment and my severance check (which thankfully has kept me in school for the fall semester)…and I am single.

Now, being single is not a big deal to me. Honestly, I feel like most relationships I have been in have often been one-sided and I am anxious at the thought of putting so much of myself and my energy into a situation where it means more to me than to the man I am trying to be with. Nope…I want to avoid that shit like the plague. Is love the first thing on my mind? HELL NO. I got huge fish that need frying, baby…and love, is just a tiny little anchovy compared to the rest. I am focusing on fixing my situation, applying for jobs, surviving, making moves….maintaining my artistic side despite the shit storm I am facing. That’s more important to me than tears and wasted energy.

Well, being as I am back in the dating pool, I find myself often meeting men that like me immensely and ignite the interest in me….and once they either get what they want….or more often they don’t…. they quickly initiate the brush-off, the fade-outs, the He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You moments that have me slapping my forehead in disgust, holding back embarrassed angry tears and screaming out in my best Homer voice….”D’OH!” And then, when I voice my frustration, people seem to always say one of two things: “You sound bitter.” or “Maybe you need to stop picking the wrong men. Maybe you need to see what’s wrong with YOU that you keep getting these lackluster men.” O_o

Why does it have to be something that I have done wrong? I mean, damn, man…here I am… successfully doing me, making things happen, going to school, looking for work, maintaining who I am as an artist, a woman, a friend, sister and daughter….all the while keeping it one-hundred with whatever male I am dealing with, expecting the same consideration and respect I give them…..and then when they treat me like dirt….I am told I should look at myself? Well, fuck you two times.

And as far as being bitter, let me explain something to you all that most likely you will all understand….the reality is this….I offer a man respect from jump…I am as considerate as the situation dictates me to be…. and I can’t get the decency of the same treatment in return? It’s not bitterness, it’s reality motherfuckers. I hate being stood up, I hate that fade-out nonsense, I hate the mind fucks, the bullshit artistry and the drama. How the fuck old are we? You ain’t into me? Well, say so. You think I’m going to die of shame because you are not trying to be with me? PUH-LEASE….there are plenty of anchovies out there, sweetheart, you just so happened to be a funky one…don’t flatter yourself. If honesty is indeed the policy, why do men (and women for that matter) hide behind silence in order to avoid it? This is not bitterness, cynicism, or my soul becoming jaded….no…it’s a frustrated observation. Let’s be adults people….communicate. Even when the communication is not all roses and peaches…. just say whatever bullshit you need to say…stink up the room, so I can Febreze the shit out of it and be rid of you…the RIGHT way. Ya dig?

Bottomline, darlings…. rejection is a son of a bitch…but it stings the most when you’re left in the dark feeling for the light switch.

What have I learned that I can share with you? Well, learn to be as real as you possibly can be…say whatever you need to say…so that if things change and you’re faced with rejection, you can walk away knowing you did everything in your power to be an adult about the situation.

Know that it is NOT you…..no not at all. You deserve what you deserve, sweethearts and what’s so wrong with letting it be known that you want exactly that?

But most importantly, don’t give up hope on love. …on romance, on truth. There is indeed someone out there who will have your back and honor the respect, consideration and passion you dish out to them.

I mean, even poor frustrated lil’ ol me still believes. You should too.

Until next time mah dahlings,

@Imani_Sublime

(“Lust” -By CantStopTheBleeding — www.deviantART.com)

Deep in the crevices of a destiny
etched beneath the pupils of my eyes…
I yearn for more than what I am allowed.
Embracing the patience learned with experience…
but tearful at the loss
of the jeweled moments of bliss that are so rare….
sweet caresses of a saccharine heart…

Breaks me to pieces…

Tears me to shreds…

You love the words and ink…
Love the idea and not the woman…
Adore the moist valleys of my body…
the curves of my flesh…
the passion I exhale…
but ignore the mistakes and fears
that I scrawl on my soul…

So I tie my hopes to ribbons
and watch them fly…
so you’ll never see me cry…

My tears reflect your face.

My smiles are forced.

I dream of relating to you…
of being inside your heart
and speckling the walls with the stars I’ve wished upon.

I want more than the salt of your sweat laced on sheets…
Want more than thrusts of furious lust
that cloud my eyes and pry my legs open to you….

i want our minds to ignite the universe
with the flames of our intellect…
want our affection to be mirror images…
of each other.

I do not want to love alone any longer….
do not want to fall for a dream….

You disappoint my spirit with waning promises…

But I cling to the wisps of words…
Close my eyes…
and once again allow you inside.

My very first book of poetry, a year in the making, was released today, June 30, 2010. I am very proud of the work that went into this book and I am so grateful to all those that helped me along the way.

Shout out to my homegirl @OohErika for helping me get it completed when all seemed lost and a HUGE shout out to the visual artists that are featured in the book.  All NY local artists: Erika Dickstein, Chevez Sanchez, Kel5MH, Kervin Ferreira, and Elstabo. Thank you all.

Below is a pic of the cover art designed by Kervin, as well as the link to purchase the book if interested.

I hope you all enjoy!

The link to purchase “Les Jeux”:

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1444988

SIDE NOTE:

Thank you all for supporting my site and my work. It means so much more than you think. I do what I do, because of you. I promise next postings, I will write a little something more to you all the next time I post.

Just one little nugget of positivity for you guys today:

You are loved and whatever hardships you are facing right now, shall pass. Place your faith in God or whatever higher power you believe in. Know that the problem, no matter what……always has a solution. It’s your job to figure that out, even if it sucks dirty socks to do so. And trust me, once you figure out your next move it will all fall into place. Have faith and anything can be done.

I love you all so much. I wish my arms were big enough to  hug you all right now.

Until next time mah dahlings,

@Imani_Sublime

(“Feuilles D’Or” By Ikie — www.deviantART.com)

Never not once did I doubt my love
until you compared me
to the sinewy seductions of the past.

I competed with a ghost,
smiled despite my despair,
cried in the shallows of cotton sheets
that twisted between our legs
as we raced to a passion that lacked your faith in my character.
Living up to your expectations
I drew constellations into the very sweat off my back,
fed myself justifications of your disrespect…
and wished I was someone else…
a spirit… a memory… a lost dream.

I am not the fantasy you think you shared with her.
I am the reality of my own unrequited love…
the sorrowful secondhand rapture
that drew itself into the very words I breathe…

I loved you….
the very core and cracks of you…
loved the hands that ran rugged over the hills of my body….
pliant to a dream I lived…
waled the cobbled roads of an uncertainty
that tarnished my lovely illusions
and became a blackened incubus
of regret and shame…
of deceit and gilt facades
that blinded me with a brilliance
that faded once I began to believe.

No longer afraid to be separate from you…
I hope my heart has stained your eyes
and all you can see now
is me walking away.

(“Fight Series” by LaraFairie–www.devinatART.com)

So, here’s the deal: I got laid off. I haven’t been unemployed since I was fourteen years old, as I have always consistently held down a job. I was laid off two weeks before my 26th birthday and a month before my very first poetry book drops.  I lost all of my work and had to restart the formatting of the book, from scratch. This was all after an emotionally draining break-up a month prior. Bottomline, life done slapped me in the face….and it stings, babies…it stings.

I am blessed to have a very strong support system in my family and closest friends. I am aware of the potential of the situation and of all the opportunities this might present in the future. However, the one thing that was sparked in me is a raging fear of the unknown, the uncertain…..the reluctance to take that next step because Lord knows where it will take me. I have NO idea where I will be or what I will be doing in the next year and I suppose this was God’s way of reminding me that nothing is certain in life.

I will be 26 years old this Sunday (yeah, man…this year the birthday lands on Father’s Day) and my current circumstances are making me sit back and swallow a lot of my pride. I realize now the weight of regrets…I’ve never had them before. I guess I still shouldn’t because I know exactly where I need to be going and it is up to me to continue in that direction, no matter how long or how perilous the road may be.  I know all of this to be true….but now faced with the predicament of unemployment and dwindling funds…I am scared shitless and wishing I already had the degrees I am working so hard to achieve now.

BUT…..my fears do not mask my hope….they do not destroy my faith. I KNOW that things will be okay. I KNOW I will try my very best to be the person I have been working on becoming so hard. I will continue writing…I WILL release my book (thanks to @OohErika)…and I will find a new plateau in my life.  Love and romance are the farthest things from my mind right now and I suppose that’s best for me. I just know my life will never be the same and I will look back on these feelings of fear as motivation for success.

How does this apply to any of YOU? Well, as trite as it sounds, remember that even the worst days have to end…that you are capable of anything…your strength surpasses the moments of overwhelming frustration, of intense fear, of extreme uncertainty.  You need to maintain faith in yourself. Know that all you do will affect the outcome of tomorrow. Swallow your pride and ask your support system, to…well, support you. No crisis is bigger than you….no problem too outrageous to overcome. The ball is in your court now. Will you take the shot?

In essence, you are the strongest person you know. No tears can wash that away. No pain or heartbreak…no obstacle can hold you back if you’re holding onto your faith in yourself and in the beauty of the future. The question is not WHAT is your first step…the question is WHEN is your first step?

As for me, I am proud of myself for embracing the reality of my current situation….proud of myself for still pushing through and formulating plans and options to my life. I am glad that I am fighting and not giving up… that sucker punches of change only make me wiser and stronger. I have my fears of the future…but I also know this boxer won’t be KO’ed so soon.

We got this.

Until next time mah darlings…
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter)

(“Blindfolded” by EducatedFool89–www.deviantART.com)

Exploring myself faced with clouds…
I grip the strength of my roots….
swallow my pride and smile at the lesson given.

Knowing now that acknowledging my humility…
sheds me of it…

My own dignity exposed to the heated pain of the uncertain.
She burns holes in my demeanor…
She sweats me out like a fever…
I stand alone…
Faced with myself….
Blinded…
Faced with a step taken back…
a regret…a fear…a change.

How can you face your own lessons?

How can you appreciate a figure swathed in her own solitude?
A love gone…
A pool of coagulated pains and skimmed with hope…
Scabbed with fear…
Exploding with no caution…

Breathe and focus…
Take the first step…
Take that moment to a level of harmony
that will leave you peppered with your coquetry with life…
Prove your worth to the life you embrace daily….
Show you’re deserving of the riches of joy…
and the lessons of experience…

Today is the day…
Tomorrow can no longer wait.

(“Diary Writer” By Kocisko–www.deviantART.com)

Nowadays, I follow Popeye’s mantra: “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.”  But, I can recall moments in my life, especially in relationships, where I have felt as if I was asked to hide a facet of myself. I was always too street for the artsy dudes and too artsy for the street dudes. I struggled with my identity because for far too long, I allowed the opinions of my significant others to dictate the type of person I should be. I so often put the pen down or shunned my upbringing in order to maintain relationships and to this day, it is one of my biggest regrets and my biggest life lessons.

The other day, in a conversation with someone, a joke was cracked about my “little fashion blog,” and for a VERY brief moment, I reverted back to the youthful me who brushed off her passion because she felt made fun of for it. I blinked and the feeling was gone and after correcting him that my site is neither primarily about fashion nor is it “little”, I promptly said my goodbyes.

It was this situation that got me thinking about the person I am now and who I was trying to be back then.  I revisited an old dating blog I was writing back then…and within the postings I saw the person I once was…this young female who was so conflicted about life, love, and her direction in life. And now, here I sit…. having just completed my second semester back in college, a new focus on life and where I am going….the stagnancy gone….making moves and making waves. By reading those words I wrote back then, I can SEE how much I have progressed as a woman, an individual, and as an artist.  I went through some amazing changes in my life and now I am so clear and focused on what I deserve and what I am working toward. I can proudly sit here and say out loud “I am a woman, I am a student, I am a lover, and I am a writer.”

That’s right….a writer, fellas…I thrive on words…I write out my emotions in these postings and in my poetry.  In my teenage years, I sought to change the world with my words. As an adult, I have come to realize that writing has altered MY world….that showing myself through my writing is the most honest thing I have EVER done and not many can claim to be as honest with themselves. I use this blog to inspire me…as a way to share what I think is beautiful….as a way to support others who can proudly own who they are.

I’m a writer….it’s in me…it’s my first love…it has stuck around even when love didn’t….and it will stay with me until the day I die.

Writing  is a part of who I am…and if anyone cannot accept the beauty of every facet of who I am…they can hit the bricks, straight up.

Why am I supposed to be ashamed and embarassed by the fact that I can share my heart through words and look at my life through a poetic lense? I never understood that.  Why are we expected to be exactly what people want us to be and any sign that we have our own uniqueness is laughed at, joked on, or snickered at? I say…to hell with that. I embrace the very thing that makes some not embrace me. You may not like poetry, you may not like my writing, and you may not like the personal postings I have made here on this site….but you will respect me and what I do.

The lesson for you all is this:
Don’t EVER feel as if you need to hide a part of yourself from someone…you are an amazing individual…every single fiber of you. Love and friendship are not about editing yourself….it is about being loved for every single atom that makes you who you are. You don’t need to alter the fabric of who you are in order for you to fit comfortably with someone. Will they walk because they can’t accept all of you? Possibly. But trust me when I say that sometimes, things just don’t fit…but when that snug perfection does come along…you will NEVER have to worry about that kind of discomfort again, ya’ dig?

God made you exactly what He wanted you to be and you should never be told to avoid, hide, or alter the beauty of what He created.  To put it plainly, be who you are…. all of who you are, no matter what…no matter who. Be your own Popeye…be you. Because baby what a lovely light you have when all the facets of your diamond is shining.

As for me?  I’ll keep writing….I’ll keep sharing….and I’ll keep growing. And I’m so happy that you all are here to share it with me. ;o)

Until next time mah darlings….
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter!!!)

(“Pablo Neruda” By M_Behroozi– www.deviantART.com)

Your words melt across the page,
swirl in translucent curlicues before my eyes,
stay sweet against my tongue.
I am warm with the beauty of your heart…
and frigid with the cold of your despair.

Songs sung against the silver blue of sea,
You sought the love of a million years
and found it in language.
Chilled with twilight and frosted with dew…
you bring me closer to my own heart…
through florid words of a world too far for me to see…
but so tangible in the breadth of your diction.

I praise the day I found your mind in the pages of a book…
a glorious psyche written in poetry.

An inspiration in imagery…
A vivid mirage of life
that I touch in my imagination…
drunk off your words…
I write to bask in the sunlight of your beauty.

Sorcerer of the poets…
teaching me the alchemy of balladry…
with every golden verse….

You inspire me to pick up the pen
and write of loves, lost and found…
of places etched in clouds
and remembered in sepia…

You inspire me to write with all that my heart can speak of.

(Image retrieved via www.deviantART.com- artist/title unknown)

Sometimes you just lose. It’s that simple. The Rolling Stones said it best. You can’t always get what you want. But there are moments when, though it hurts, you know that this is what you NEEDED.  Life is such a dramatic rollercoaster sometimes. Too often we are swept away in our emotions and desires to see the truth of the situation. We push away the reality, blind ourselves with hopes… and pray that things will change. And then, you lose. It happens.

Without getting into too much detail, the love I so wholeheartedly proclaimed to the world is over. Yeah…that quick. I cannot speak for him or of him, out of respect for his privacy and in avoidance of drama. But I can definitely speak for myself. I can only say that I blame myself for allowing things to happen the way that they did….blame myself for not taking heed of my own advice sometimes…. blame myself for blinding myself with hopes and love. 

I can walk away now knowing that I tried and my second chance was met with every effort and good intention.

Sometimes you just lose.

But then again…. why even call it a loss? *wink*

Sometimes, you realize that what hurts you the most is often exactly what the doctor ordered. Does the hurt go away? No, unfortunately not. But what can you take from the moments of hurt? What can you take from the experience so you never go through it again? Learn the lessons being taught. 

I walk away knowing that my heart deserves what it wants, 100% entirely, completely, immensely and whole. That my personality is perfect just the way it is….even with the frayed edges.  Even with the blunt concrete humor that is sometimes met with a raised eyebrow (who gives a gotdamn? LoL).

I am SUBLIME…with or without anyone.

I walk away knowing that I love with every inch of who I am and that I am not afraid of  love when it enters my life.

But I walk away knowing that for the time being….  love is definitely on the backburner for me.  

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I am back to my hardcore partying ways. Or that I’m metamorphosing into some Girls Gone Wild meets Freaknik kinda chick. Effouttahere. My mother raised a lady. What I am saying is this. I loved. I lost. And now? I’m loving me…doing me. Not explaining to the world or yearning for something.  I am alone and I can dig it. I am alone and loving the freeedom to not give a damn…to not have to explain myself or my actions. The freedom and the confidence to say…oh, you don’t like it? Okay. Bye. The freedom to flirt and pick and choose who gets the privilege (yes mo’fos…the PRIVILEGE) of chilling with me. I walk away knowing my heart is still beating and still capable of loving the same way I loved him…even if it’s not him that is the one I am loving.

These words have NOTHING to do with him. Our issues and angers and layers of hurt with each other just proved to be too strong to allow us to communicate.   Though compatible in many areas, when it came down to it….what he needed and more importantly, what I deserved was never going to be met. All the blame games and all the drama and all the hurt and anger can not hide the fact that we just did not work. I was not what he wanted….and I now know he is not what I NEEDED. Do I smile at the good times? Yes…I do. But I deserve more and this is no longer about him or my resentment towards him…this is about ME and what I need.

I have already taken him out of the equation. The word “him” even is a variable….a culmination of all the past dysfunctional relationships (some more dysfunctional than others). I speak to them ALL. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you anymore. My heart is back to being mine.

See, guys? How can that possibly be a total loss? If I found myself through the hurt? If I figured out that I am WORTH the fight…and that I am WORTH walking from the past…. I am WORTH building and sharing a future with? That I am WORTH being loved for every error, mistake, flaw and imperfection? For every wrinkle, dimple and pound? For every curl, every eyelash, every smile and tear?  How can I ever lose if  every bad moment I have ever encountered  is merely a constant reminder of how SUBLIME I really am?

 Look, this is not saying he or any other ex boyfriend of mine is a completely horrible person (though I have a few choice words for all of them). They’re all in their own ways, spectacular human beings (some WAY less than others). But sometimes….as much as you tinker with it….it just stays broke. It just doesn’t work. And that is okay.

But as I’ve said…this is not about HIM. This? Is about me.

So what am I trying to tell you guys here? Know your fucking worth. Know that no failed relationship should define you or break you. Know that, eventually, there will be a moment where the hurt you feel will become a love for yourself so great and strong that NOTHING can pull you down.

Don’t feed into the bullshit. As much as you want to.

Know that no hurt lasts long enough to hide your shine. You are a beam of light in a dark room, baby…so light up the fucking planet.

And know this:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOSING IN THESE GAMES OF LIFE AND LOVE….ONLY PUZZLES SOLVED, LESSONS LEARNED, CHAPTERS CLOSED, STEPS TAKEN, PROGRESS MADE, LIFE LIVED.

Give all of the HIMS and HERS the fuck offs, the kiss-off, take what you can from the hurts and the smiles…. and grow.

But don’t ever let it get you down, babies because there’s so much more to be lived. *smile*

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter!)

(“Hurt” by Ana Darvulia–www.deviantART.com)

Swallowed my pride and spit out my dignity
at your feet…
walked across the waves to reach you…
allowed the salt of your water to sting wounds you lashed into me…
I questioned the very depths of my soul…
the very worth of my being…
the curve of my back…
doubted my very desires…
gave in too many times…
Saved us too many times…
ignoring the truths that lurked in the depths.

Smoothed the wrinkles in your brow with kisses
No complaint….no whisper of discontent
no breath of anger passed my lips
for fear of backs turned…
black as coal,
I kept my heart in a box for you.
Ebony nights of cold fury and passionate heat…
lost thoughts and unspoken words…
you became a chore to me.

I washed my sadness away in silent tears.

I knew all along that you were not my solace.

Knew all along the petals of your roses had died
and wilted in my arms…
I kept them close, hoping my tears would nourish
what was already lost…

I knew it was never real.

And yet there I stood,
clinging to memories and faded emotion.
Wanting and needing some sign that my love was real
and your love was true..
and all the past had dissappeared like mist
across the horizon.

Deep in velvet eyes
the siren raised her lovely head to the sky
and sang sweetly…
nearer,
nearer….

I swam to her… wanting to tell her
that her song was not needed,
not necessary…
not wanted.
Cringing from what she showed you…
I pushed past the current…
stood up bravely
only to realize the song was sung by you.

(“I Think I’m Paranoid”- by Miuaw– www.deviantART.com)

Life is such a funny thing. One moment, you’re golden…. everything is awesome… going smoothly. And then something happens that shakes your grasp on things, fucks your head up….reminds you that fate has got you by the balls and you are most certainly not in complete control of the way the cards fall. You can handle situations like this in one of two ways: feeling helpless, you submit yourself to the drama and suffer endlessly….or feeling determined, you figure out your own resolutions…figure out the lessons being taught and move on. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? *le sigh* It’s not.

The fates have often showed me who’s the boss of my existence. At times, I have swept my pride away only to be slapped in the face with sheer intense humiliation….but I have survived. I have always been the type of person, that though stressed in the midst of my life…I know that what I need is a bit of clear thinking, of strategy…of decisive and precise action. With every instance of drama…I have either gained a lesson or lost unneccessary dead weight. Either way…I have walked away.

You have an opportunity to make what you will of your life. You decide what path you walk along, but you have no choice about what that path entails. I do believe that there is a plan for all of us…but I believe even more that it is up to us to follow the roads that lead us to the fulfillment of that plan. Free will is the best and worst gift that God(dess) has ever given us. The real question is how do you make sense of it all? How do you know what path to truly take? I can sit here and say, you’ll feel it…you’ll just know. But in all honesty, you’ll probably have no idea. That’s the thing about free will…

The other day, I was shaken. I was hurt…I was angry…I believed it was all coming to an end. I truly believed that. Now, you might call me out for being insecure…but I’ll tell you something. I took the advice of someone and wrote a list with a header “I am…”. In the list, I described myself as honestly as I could. And I was surprised at the good I saw in myself. “Intelligent, kind, nurturing…” I found a confidence in my honesty…I rid myself of any insecurity by realizing this lesson: How we feel about ourselves is too often dictated by the responses we receive from the people we care about. If we can maintain our own views of ourselves, then the reactions of those around us wouldn’t really matter.

I’ll break it down.

I think that flaws are beautiful. I constantly acknowledge who I am as a flawed human being who often wears her heart on her sleeves and her emotions in ink. I am aware of my pain-in-the-ass-ness. I am aware of all that I am and all that I can be. I know where all of my insecurities stem from and I am confident that I am trying my very best to be the woman I was always setting out to be. If, in the face of the dramatics of life…. in the face of heartache or sadness…. if I can maintain that perspective on myself, I will never need someone to reassure me of how amazing I am. Again, easier said than done….but nonetheless… it has the potential of changing your life. Insecurity is too often the scapegoat of our issues. We stress over the people in our lives… allow love and friendships to dictate the way we feel about ourselves, allow the world to view us in certain lights. And the worst part is, it actually affects how we feel about OURSELVES.

I am not being holier than thou and acting as if this never happens to me. On the contrary, it’s something I struggle with all the time. It’s the reason I got the word “Sublime” tattoed on my left wrist. Sublime, in philosophy, is the quality of greatness or vast magnitude, whether physical, moral, intellectual, metaphysical, aesthetic, spiritual or artistic. The term especially refers to a greatness with which nothing else can be compared and which is beyond all possibility of calculation, measurement or imitation. In plain terms, it is the most awesome of the awesome. LoL. Everytime I struggle with my insecurities, I look down on my wrist and remind myself of what I am. I remind myself that I am not what people think, I am not completely my imperfections, and I am not my past mistakes. I am Sublime. Sounds silly…but it works for me. *shrug*

Why am I, yet again, all over the place with my thoughts? Here’s why.

Allowing people to create insecurity within us, to allow someone to dim the light within us… will never allow us to cross the threshold of our full potential. And if we constantly miss the lessons given to us, we will be living on a carousel…getting endlessly fucked by fate because we just can’t learn how to pass this stage. You can’t grow within yourself if you are relying on someone else’s opinion of you. And if and when life gives you a raw deal, re-evaluate what you need… do what is best for you. Drop the deadweight, as hard as that might be…and grow. Because you have to realize you’re a bad ass….you’re a righteous gangster…you have control of your own life and you can courageously face the obstacles that fate may put in your way. Life is worth living because we learn what our souls are made of in the face of adversity…heartache…in the face of unkind words and people. Nothing can stop you. You are beautiful despite the scars of fate, despite it all. Learn from life, mi gente and love yourself. Be your own humble hypeman.

Do you wanna know what number one was on my “I am” list?

“A Bad Mutha…..”

Can you dig it? Daaaaaaaaaamn straight.

LOL.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime <—-follow me on Twitter

(“The Beauty Within” –by Lalapop –www.deviantART.com)

(Inspired by @asiangoya’s prompt of: “Curves, Inner Beauty, Woman” and by Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman”….I tried a slightly different style of writing this time… I hope you enjoy it.)

Sweet tea woman…
curves like butter…
smile like sugar…
She’s sharp…
cut you straight through
with the swing of her hips
and the spit of her wit….

Scarred on the inside,
Polished on the outs…
Carries her sword
in the form of her word.
Slice you up with the strength of her voice.
Lift you higher with the passion in her heart..
she craves nothing but life…
Nothing but fresh air…

Freedom is her name. 

Roses in her hair, jasmine on her breast..
Lilies at her feet…
Excited for new days
Mourning the old…
Sister of the Earth
She swats at cat-calling dogs
and hissing snakes…
She stands tall…
breathes heavy…
smiles long.

Sweet tea woman,
Lover of the ages,
Loosens her hair
soft satin curls
against the small of her back…
Take her in…
Treat her kindly…
Touch her right….
Moan her name…
Taste her flavors….
Scratching heiroglyphics across your back
She’ll show you Heaven
in the breadth of her spread thighs.

Broken backed woman
working for love
praying for God…
Teaching mother universe
birthing pearls of wisdom
and the iron of brute…
Feeding the masses with the milk of her story…
Broken backed woman
surviving in the wild…
Never lost to her faith…
Carries you with broken limbs
and you’re light as a feather.

Made of the Earth…
sweetened by love…
Steeped in steaming life…
Cooled by wisdom….

Powerful woman….
Glorious woman…
Beautiful woman…
Phenomenal woman….
Sweet Tea Woman….

(“Inner Conflict” By LadySymphonia –www.deviantART.com)

(Inspired by prompt from @OohErika “War”… I felt more would connect to a poem about inner conflict than an actual war…hope you enjoy!)

Thunderous night,
My mind screams to my heart…
do what you should…
I stare at the ragged edges of my face…
aged by discontent…
by sadness…
by the stress of life….
I am alone in my thoughts.

Losing a grip on my reality..
Singed by gusts of flame and fire…
Hot-headed…spit-fire…quick silver…
Volcanic emotions
that have melted my resistance
and now I only feel the battle
between my soul and mind.

What do I do now?

The morning breaks through thunderclouds…
Cools my cracking skin with the dew of rebirth…
I think clearly in the early hours…
Float on waves of clarity…
Move along the shores of my soul…
with patience…
with fluidity….

I fight myself only
because I dream too often
of illusions of perfection…
an elusive happiness on sunlit horizons…
only to fall among strips of coral colored rays
and lavender streaks of a sunset come too soon.

At night, alone… the fire returns.

(“Question” By SkySell-www.deviantART.com)

There comes a time in all of our lives, where we contemplate the roads we have traveled, lament over our past errors and embarassments, wish for a change, cry for our losses. We’ve all been there at some time. I  have no regrets in my life. There are moments that I wish I didn’t have to face or remember….painful moments that unfortunately cannot be erased. I always say “Nothing is gotten over….it’s just gotten through.”  Though there are scars left over, I have stepped out of the shame and fear and have survived.  Life alone is a war, each obstacle a battle within yourself. It is courageous enough to not give up and to continue living….even in the face of pain.  I have done it.

In saying all of this, the other day a thought came to me.  I’ve spoken about living your own life, following your own path…but when the thought comes to you…when the regret begins to creep into your life, what do you do? How do you deal with knowing…that in some instances…you could have done things differently?

I started college again at 25…a time when a lot of my friends either have their degrees already or are settling down with someone and having children. I was starting again at square one, after a few years of booze-filled nights and short skirts…. diner haunts and salsa music….I was finally back on the road I was meant to be on.  But this time armed with two things I didn’t have before…a plan and patience. There are things in my life that I cannot change and obviously life cannot be put on rewind…but I am thankful for all that I have done and accomplished. Now that I am in the right place in my life…I know I am more capable now than I ever was, to reach the heights of my dreams.

I am not like anyone else. And neither are you. I stress the importance of today’s choices leading to the consequences of tomorrow. I drill it in your heads that life is to be lived according to your standards and that no one’s opinion matters but your own. But what do you do when it’s your opinion that is haunting you?  I’ll tell you this. The moment I fear the worst, I push for the best. I am not afraid of anything that should try to deter me from my dreams….I will not let it. Will I shed tears over things? Will I be saddened and heartbroken at times? Of course. But as the cliche says “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

Nothing should EVER keep you from becoming the you that you are meant to be.  Too often, people use their circumstances as excuses….oh I have kids…oh I have to work….oh I am on my own…nobody cares…I am a one-person army. Well, good. Use your circumstances as a reason not as an excuse. You can do ANYTHING as long as you believe you can.  Nothing is out of our reach. Lord knows there will be times filled with sorrow, heartache, frustration…but not even those tears can wash away your ambitions.  Because when your eyes have dried…you still yearn for more. So I say…go for it. Make that happen….  

I’ll tell you a quick story before I end this one. A long while ago…I was infatuated with a man.  Someone who I isolated myself for…gave in to his requests, allowed myself to be enveloped in his wants, in his needs, his everything.  I had started my manuscript for the book I am writing.  I was so excited that I printed out what I had and gave it to him to read, hoping it would create some sort of interest, a conversation about it. Later, when we broke up, I went to his house to pick up my things and there the pages sat at the back of his closet, untouched and caked with dust. I hadn’t even noticed he never said anything about it…not a “Good job” or even an “It sucks.”  I sat there and cried. Not because he never read it…I’m actually glad his ass didn’t read it….but more so that I had abandoned it as well. The minute I saw those pages, dusty and forgotten…I realized I had done the same.  I had allowed what I had with him to interfere with what I loved about myself…something that was truly all mine and something that I hoped could make me the person and writer I’ve always wanted to become. And yet, once I had sat there for a moment, I wiped my face… picked up the pages and my things and left. I started writing again the moment I got home. 

You see…it wasn’t about him. It never was. It was about me.  It was about realizing the lessons that came way, even in the face of pain….and beginning again…working towards the dreams and goals I have always had…working on myself through the stepping stones of my life. Can you dig it?

And for the record…I have someone in my life now that given the chance would take a red pen out and critique the shit out of that manuscript because he believes in me so much. LoL.

All in all, what I’m trying to say is there will always be moments where you feel you have to put everything on pause. There will be moments where it hurts too much. There will be moments when the anger makes  you see red, the frustration makes you cringe, the pain makes you wince. But not any of these moments last…and when they pass…begin again. Start again…never let go of who you are and what you dream of or wish to become.

You are an amazing individual with an amazing story to tell….the question is….how will it end? That’s for each of us to answer on our own.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime <—-follow me on Twitter!!!

(“Catch a Falling Star” By CurlyTops–www.deviantART.com)

I am not afraid of time….
of age…
I am not afraid to live in the face of the end.

I am prepared to face the heavy tides of the clock.

Wilted roses encase my heart…
each petal a heartbeat once made for love….
Now pulsing for me….
I am my own queen.

I am prepared for the battles of my own heart.

I walk this world, despite myself….
amidst the stragglers of existence…
breathing in the stink of their desperation…
wanting to hold them close to me…
allow them to hear the strength of my voice…
they are not alone.

I live for the moments I can feel…
cling to the smiles of the morning…
swallow my pride and fears…
just to make sure tomorrow will be better.

For I have survived…
I have come out of the dark
into the light of my own soul….
And now pearlescent, I glow….
no longer tormented by my flaws…
no longer shadowboxing my past…

My beauty is in my growth…
Irridescent lotus, reaching for the sun…
I will get to the horizon on my own terms.

No one can stop my journey but me.

I am prepared for the war that life is.

Just living is courageous.

(“Hurt Became Hate” By ArtSaves1228—www.deviantART.com)

(Using the prompt “alone” from @Jabba5 and inspired by this quote: http://penhittingpaper.com/?p=13)

 There is beauty that lies
at the very depths of her heart…
there…
next to the myriad of scars
and stitched up wounds…

She has beauty.

A patched up muscle
that somehow
ends up beating in the palm of his hand.

A diaphonous ghost of lost expectations…
forgotten gilt hopes….
vivid demands on a timid soul.

She cries tears that dry too fast
and mourns the loss of their beginnings…
Sweeps her fears and pride
into the same dusty pile…
Hoping that if she holds out one more day….
Her love could mend the frayed edges once again.

She once held his heart here….
thought she could sense the beat…
by holding her breath….
realizing now her own heart is to blame…

Alone in her thoughts…
She questions the anger…
the cold silence that fills the room….
Too afraid to spark the flame
that could destroy them both….

She has never cried in the dark before.
She has never felt as alone.

(“My Reflection”–By CherryJess— www.deviantart.com ) 

I am enveloped entirely….
wrapped in warmth…
an incandescence that glows from within….
Shines in the pupils of my eyes
with every thought of you.

Gravity no longer holds my feet to the ground…
and your smile tempts me to adjust my focus…
as if finally stepping into the light…
from the darkness I held within.

My heart beats crimson…
My spirit gold…
My laughter streaks of violet
across my life…

I hold my tongue for fear
the happiness I crave
will leave on my very breath.

I walk on perfumed lilies
and string rose petals in my mind…
swept away with fantasy…
You are my dreamy illusion…
a fast flicker of joy
that may soon slip away from me…
like silk across fingertips.

I drop down guards
and use my heartbeat
as the pawn of my own mind games.
I reassure myself constantly
that lightning has struck
and so I throw myself into velvet twilight…
speckle myself with stars
and breathe in the new day.

I am no longer afraid.
I no longer fear this movement…
I fall into its depth…
swim amongst glorious waves…
prepared to sink if I must…
hoping only to float on the crests of our love.

I love you completely.

Every rounded line of your fingerprint….
Every inch of skin and pulsing heartbeat…
every knuckle and palm….

I hold your hand….
even knowing that you might lose your grip…

I will always smile at my precious joy…
fleeting though it may soon be…
But relishing in my own love….
For the knowledge that i could love again….
despite myself…
fulfills me.

And that even if this love should fade…
I am whole…

(“Cold Heart” by Peaches_Ana—www.deviantart.com)

Using the prompt of @writingprompt : “elegant tragedy”

She pulls at her heartstrings….
spreads herself too thin…
stretches who she is…
to become what he wants….

An impeccable flower…
unbruised by the elements…
A star unscathed by the universe…
a virginal white rose.

But deep in her soul…
she crawls on hot coals of discontent…
her heart beating only for his pleasure….
Nothing but his approval can soothe her.

Lost in the desperation of her twisted reflections…
Despairing in her flawed beauty…
wincing at his cold words…
Melting with his warm kisses…

He must love her…..

He should….

If only she could match the steps of angels
he sees in the street…
She could never
be the feathered goddess in his dreams….
Never be the siren of his illusions…

So she swathes herself in her confusion…
an elegance behind her sadness…..
and falls deeper into the tragedy of her own creation…
Attempts to improve perfection for his love….

If only she could see the warrior buried in her eyes.

Her heart is what blinds her to the beauty of her own love.

(“Destruction” By Evelin_novemberdusk–www.deviantart.com) 

You attempt to control the universe
with your woes….
Treat galaxies like specks of dust…
and remain aloof to the stars…
expecting it all to revolve around you.

I fell into the waves….
one minute I was perfection….
the next a scrap of waste…
torn to shreds by wanting to understand your tides…
the whats and whys.

But I no longer sympathesize
with the emptiness of your eyes…
No longer give attention
to what others mistake as depth….
and to what I now see
as selfish puddles of me
and my….
and mine….

For it was never about anything more
than how the entire world
has wronged you…
betrayed you…
left you.

When all along it was you who burned bridges.

You who tarnished gold…
crushed diamonds into dust
just for a moment’s entertainment….

I became bored with that….
Saw you for who you were…
exposed you to the sun….
and watched the sugar coating melt to
reveal the tarred heart.

You are your truth….
and the truth is spoken through actions.

Blazing across my life like streaks of sun….
I never could really see you without blindness.

I hung silent like the moon…
waxed and waned at your comfort…
until I exploded against the sky…
realizing I was just as celestial as you perceive yourself to be.

Try to swing the planets back your way….
attempt to control the movements of the Earth…
feel free to believe what you need against me…..

But I will never be trapped again….
never race on an endless track…
never repeat the words I spilled on paper…
I will never be warped into your black hole again…

(“Unwritten”-By MilkCookie–www.deviantart.com)

I am the type to envelop myself in drama if for some reason I find myself involved.  If I become entrenched in a drama, it is sometimes the ONLY thing that I can think about, analyzing then over analyzing, thinking and over thinking.  It distracts me to no end. I promised myself that this new year would bring a different mentality, a different mindset to how I face things in my relationships with friends, lovers and family.

Put simply…if there is a problem, find the solution.  What use is there dwelling on the issue at hand and going over and over it without thinking of a resolution to it? Honesty and  communication is key to everything. I am following that to a strcit T nowadays.  There should be no hiding, no omitting of the truth, no lying, no argument, no drama…no bullshit.

I am a true believer in living for the moment. I try my best to do what makes me happy no matter what because I have spent too much time rearranging my life, my days and hours to accomodate someone, be it friend or lover. I was so fearful of being abandoned…. of anger directed towards me that I’d neglect what I deemed most important to my life just to maintain that relationship.  I denied myself in order to give to them.  And even when I did…even when I bit my tongue, rearranged my life, neglected and isolated areas of my life for them…they still were not happy. 

I realized then that no matter how hard I try, there are some people in your life that fade away and find themselves in a past chapter of your life.  Shit happens, people change, chapters close, and pages turn.  It’s the way it goes. You just have to bite the bullet, brave the wind and face the music…. live…. keep on trucking. Even when it feels like the truck just hit you…. hard. Your life is YOURS…not theirs.  Why live for someone that has not come from your womb or placed a ring on your finger nor has your blood in their veins?  Even then… who dictates what is written on the pages of your story?  Yeah…ONLY you!

I have swept the dust off of my shoulders and stood brave against the storm.  I have been through mountains of obstacles and oceans of tears and I realize that I have always come out wiser, stronger…but more importantly, alive (for the most part…LoL). Nothing can stop me… and even if I crawl along this road I have paved for myself, I am proud that I am finally on the right path…proud that it is what makes ME happy, that it is everything to ME…that it is important to ME.  I am living MY life for ME. It is what it is because that is what I choose it to be. Dig?

 You can survive if you only find the strength and the courage to stand tall. Nothing feels better than dropping the baggage.  Your choices are your own. Love who you want to love, live how you want to live (do it safely of course).

But most of all realize this.

TODAY is the most important moment of your life. What you do, say, and create in this moment will dictate all of your tomorrows.  Anger and frustration gets you nowhere but to some fucked up tomorrows.

I do this blog for a number of reasons. I am enamored with fashion photography, as you can tell. LoL. I love sharing what I think is beautiful.  I love to support my friends who have their own sites and passions and art.  I love using words to create a story, an image, an emotion.  But most of all, I do this blog, because it makes me happy. It inspires me, it enlightens me…it soothes me. And every day that I find the courage to hit pen to paper, I burst forth into my happiness, leap into my life. It makes me exactly who I am. With no help, no handouts, no bullshit…and recently…no damn drama.

*smile*

I hope you have that kind of thing in your lives.  And if you feel you don’t….I pray that you find it.

I love you all.

Angelique Imani

(“Chanel n 5″-By ChesireMarto–www.deviantart.com)

 (Written using the prompt: ‘vanilla’ given by @writingprompt on www.twitter.com)

She is reminiscent of a moment gone by….
flutters in his stomach that never lasted…
Pushed her away for fear…
he’d never shake her….
Fearful that his addiction would imbed itself in the very crevices of his soul…
and scar his future.

She was an obsession
Swathed in diaphanous moans
and perfumed in vanilla and Chanel No. 5…

She wrote his intentions down in silk…
created their love with all the right words…
And loved with such a passion,
she broke at the seams….

How could he allow this?
Brand new…
He was shining and brand new…
She was vintage lace… always his…rare…
Hard to find…

He breathed her in even when she was not there…
She felt his warmth even when he let her go…
Denied a flame and smothered it to embers…
Fear marked her mended heart….

Following impulses to hold her….
Plunge himself into warm brown sugar…
Envelop himself in her curls of vanilla scented Chanel satin thighs…
and sweet shudders…
She was no longer there.

She hid from herself.

Forcing himself to be brave,
He thrust his hands into dark velvet night…
braved the world without her…
as she had done for him…

Yet he can’t sleep……

………….the sheets smell of her.

(“Imprisoned” By KasiaPea–www.deviantart.com)

(Written using @OohErika’s prompt of “Imprisoned love”)

Heartbroken…
her heart caged by her own loyalties…
she waits patiently…
until the warmth of his embrace
will cure her of her wandering spirit

Unsure of his love…
she spins words in blue ink
and sends perfume through the breeze…
hoping the little she does
can keep the grays from going dark.

Mails him rays of light to pierce his clouds…
reminders of all that is here…
arms wide open…
an ocean spread to the horizon…
His horizon….her ocean….
smooth and calm…
and filled with diamonds…
that will light his way back to shore…

So…
she fills the pages with blue ink sunlight
and kisses words with emotion…
There’s strength in the stroke of her pen…
compassion in the honey of her heart…

She gives what he needs….
so when his moon is once again full…
he can filll his world with brightness…
and flood her mind with the light she gave to him…

Stony support….
she is waiting….
hoping that her intentions lead to his sincerity…

Drops her words into the wind
and prays they get to him.

She waits….
and writes… giving all of herself in every single second…
she waits…remains…. she stands strong….

Her heart is imprisoned with his.

(The first activity of Revolution Ladies Night was to write a piece inspired by a post card that was given. Everyone received different postcards.  The above picture is the post card I received featuring art by the artist TooFly…and below is what I wrote inspired by it)

Beautiful darling…
Untouchable…
with hair down to her ass and
luscious lips and full hips…
she breathes beauty in the beast of the city

No response to tire hisses and cat calls…
she sees life in shades of purple…
mysterious and sweet…
tinged with night and brightened by stars..
She walks confident.

Until one day he comes along
and sweeps her off her feet…
whispers rose colored dreams in her ear..
so…
she believes…
her concrete walls crumbling
with a kiss and a sigh…
sugared gilt words that lick his lips
every time he speaks….

She’s flushed…
She’s in too deep…
thinking her love for him….
will tear down the corners..
and keep him home…
he paints her world green with envy…
makes her feel as if she should be threatened
as if her smile isn’t enough…
her love isn’t enough…

By then too late…
the thoughts of white-picket promises and blushing brides
fade away into her reality…

and she is left with nothing
but the beating of her own heart.

Standing stronger…
she sews patches over bruises…
tends to wounds cut into her soul
with the salted blades of his neglect,
his abuse…
his ignorance…
sweeps the greens from her life…
dusts her shoulders
and smiles……

She reminds herself of who she is….
a beauty in the beast of the city.