(“For Shame of Doing Wrong” By Offering—www.deviantART.com)

I haven’t posted in a while and I have neglected the site. I admit it. I have been so distracted that I haven’t had the concentration it takes to get these postings done. And booooooooooooooy, what a roller coaster I have been on. Let’s begin, shall we?

Recently, I was violated in a way that I never thought anyone would attack me. I was devastated at the violation, the disrespect, the blatant cruelty that these particular individuals cast on me. I am still struggling emotionally with what happened. It was an attempt to hurt me, to make me feel shame about my body and sexuality.  I have never been one to be ashamed of my body, even at this presently thickest stage of my life.  I have posed nude, in all of my voluptuousness, for artists and have never been one to be squeamish about expressing my sexuality or my womanhood, especially to a man that I have been or wanted to be with.  Yet, this juvenile attack on me called me out of my name, labeled that same confidence and pride as “smuttiness,” as “being a ho,” as a shameful thing that I did. I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality, I am only ashamed I trusted the wrong person, only ashamed of the label which was placed on me.

Have I made stupid mistakes in my life? YES.

Do I claim to be an angel? NO.

Do I claim to be a virgin? Absolutely not.

Do I claim to be better than anyone? No.

But NOTHING I did warranted what happened. NOTHING! I tried everything I could to resolve the issue, to fight back,to get this deleted, erased, destroyed…. but unfortunately was told that there was a slim-to-none chance of exacting any legal actions against these individuals. So, at this point, I am slowly trying to mend the damage it has caused. I can only keep living my life. The world does not stop revolving just because someone has tried to humiliate me.

And, if by chance, you are one of those individuals that attacked me, laughed at me, commented in a cruel manner, judged me, labeled me…I say this to you. I won’t lower myself to say any fuck-yous or go-to-Hells….no…instead, I pray that God has mercy on you when it’s your turn to hurt, when it’s your turn to cry. I won’t bother giving you the boo-hoos or the woe-is-me either. If your goal was to humble me, to place embarrassment and shock in my spirit, to slap me in the face….to hurt me…. then congratulations, you have accomplished your goal.  Feel proud that you have anonymously attacked me in the most cowardly and juvenile way possible. I hope that one day in your life, you realize the errors of your ways and turn to God for forgiveness. I have no doubt in my mind that you believe you have won some kind of victory. But alas, you have not won, my dear…no… I win because I walk away from this with lessons and thicker skin. I win because I have stumbled but not fallen.  I win because my faith is stronger than your hate. You see, I know and God knows…the people that love me and know the truest me…. know that despite my flaws and errors in life… despite this particular stumble…that I am NOT what you say I am. And that makes me the winner. All you did was strengthen my family ties, make my real friendships realer and the fake ones fall to the wayside, make my skin thicker and my trust thinner. So I win. *Insert Rocky theme song*

I am on the verge of tears writing this because it has changed the very scope of my life, brought me back to emotional places in my past I thought I had rid my spirit of. It has given me flashbacks of past violations that have permanently scarred me. I sank to a place I never thought I would go…a dark place that with the help of loving family and friends and with my faith…I am slowly pulling myself out of. I am going to my third semester back in college and have embraced the path and direction I have chosen for myself…I have accepted the role that writing has taken in my life, I have loved and lost and all that good shit…I am alone but happily seeking myself. This situation has put my spirit in a vice grip, has made me pray for some kind of release. I am NOT the religious type but I do believe in God…my own God, loosened from the binds of organized religion…. I believe in Him, that entity that surrounds us all with love and teaches us the lessons of our mistakes, that protects us. I DO believe in Jesus Christ so I guess you guys can call me a weird Christian. I trust the Word. So I know that my faith will guide me to the end of this rocky road.  That He will show me the answers through this, that nothing He can ever have me experience is something I cannot handle.

Okay, enough of the spiritual stuff. I’m not a spiritual blogger, never have been, but I do have to acknowledge that my FAITH is the one thing that is making me strong. I read this on Twitter and I loved it so much that it has now become a part of my daily mantra: “Do not tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.” And my God is BIGGER than any obstacle I may face. So, am I shaken by this humbling experience? ABSOLUTELY. But do I trust and have faith that He will guide me out of this? I never doubted it.

How does all of this apply to YOU?

Well, my darlings, I want you to remember that no matter how you play the game there will always be someone that does not applaud you or your progress. You can be the meanest person in the world or the kindest person in the world and there will still be people in your life that will intentionally try to hurt you….and sometimes, you just can’t dodge that bullet. Don’t change the person you are because of the hurt or pain you may experience at the hands of someone else. You are perfect, in all your flaws, scrapes, and scars.  Life doesn’t stop after pain…but no matter what, don’t let go of the faith that things WILL get better, that the wound will heal, that you WILL survive it.  Remember that there are people that love you and care for you, that support you no matter what you do or say. There are people in your life that love you despite any mistake you may make…that love you unconditionally.

The heart is the body’s strongest muscle…and even the biggest of heartbreaks are slowly mended. Trust in the ideas of Karma…in the age-old saying “What goes around comes around.”

But most of all, remember that no matter what, you must keep going…. keep pushing….keep on trucking…. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

Don’t EVER allow hurt to dictate the rest of your life. Because then….the violators DO win. And we can’t let THAT happen, now can we?

God bless you guys.

Until next time mah darlings,
Imani_Sublime (yes, I still bear this name despite their attempt to defile it….I am SUBLIME…always)

*** Warm shout out to my loving and supportive family, @iamcrumbs, @OohErika, @VanillyNYC, @keyla83, @Tenacious618, @Mr_Cuervo, @Perfpersnickety, Promise, Danette, Brichelle among many others …..and yes, my God for bringing me back to my reality and reminding me of the me that I am. My love and appreciation for you is immeasurable***

(“Frustration” -By xpixelx — www.deviantART.com)

So, it’s been a while since my last entry to you all…for the past few weeks, it’s been an eddy of movement. I, even without a job, have tried my very best to get the projects I wanted to finish done. The two top projects being “Les Jeux,” my 1st collection of poetry which was successfully released on June 30th (please click on badge on sidebar to order….I appreciate the support and the purchases!) and Poetry in Pink, which is a mere TWO days away. Am I excited for the event? Well, shit yeah. But am I anxious for things to settle down? YES!

I am looking for a job…living off of unemployment and my severance check (which thankfully has kept me in school for the fall semester)…and I am single.

Now, being single is not a big deal to me. Honestly, I feel like most relationships I have been in have often been one-sided and I am anxious at the thought of putting so much of myself and my energy into a situation where it means more to me than to the man I am trying to be with. Nope…I want to avoid that shit like the plague. Is love the first thing on my mind? HELL NO. I got huge fish that need frying, baby…and love, is just a tiny little anchovy compared to the rest. I am focusing on fixing my situation, applying for jobs, surviving, making moves….maintaining my artistic side despite the shit storm I am facing. That’s more important to me than tears and wasted energy.

Well, being as I am back in the dating pool, I find myself often meeting men that like me immensely and ignite the interest in me….and once they either get what they want….or more often they don’t…. they quickly initiate the brush-off, the fade-outs, the He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You moments that have me slapping my forehead in disgust, holding back embarrassed angry tears and screaming out in my best Homer voice….”D’OH!” And then, when I voice my frustration, people seem to always say one of two things: “You sound bitter.” or “Maybe you need to stop picking the wrong men. Maybe you need to see what’s wrong with YOU that you keep getting these lackluster men.” O_o

Why does it have to be something that I have done wrong? I mean, damn, man…here I am… successfully doing me, making things happen, going to school, looking for work, maintaining who I am as an artist, a woman, a friend, sister and daughter….all the while keeping it one-hundred with whatever male I am dealing with, expecting the same consideration and respect I give them…..and then when they treat me like dirt….I am told I should look at myself? Well, fuck you two times.

And as far as being bitter, let me explain something to you all that most likely you will all understand….the reality is this….I offer a man respect from jump…I am as considerate as the situation dictates me to be…. and I can’t get the decency of the same treatment in return? It’s not bitterness, it’s reality motherfuckers. I hate being stood up, I hate that fade-out nonsense, I hate the mind fucks, the bullshit artistry and the drama. How the fuck old are we? You ain’t into me? Well, say so. You think I’m going to die of shame because you are not trying to be with me? PUH-LEASE….there are plenty of anchovies out there, sweetheart, you just so happened to be a funky one…don’t flatter yourself. If honesty is indeed the policy, why do men (and women for that matter) hide behind silence in order to avoid it? This is not bitterness, cynicism, or my soul becoming jaded….no…it’s a frustrated observation. Let’s be adults people….communicate. Even when the communication is not all roses and peaches…. just say whatever bullshit you need to say…stink up the room, so I can Febreze the shit out of it and be rid of you…the RIGHT way. Ya dig?

Bottomline, darlings…. rejection is a son of a bitch…but it stings the most when you’re left in the dark feeling for the light switch.

What have I learned that I can share with you? Well, learn to be as real as you possibly can be…say whatever you need to say…so that if things change and you’re faced with rejection, you can walk away knowing you did everything in your power to be an adult about the situation.

Know that it is NOT you…..no not at all. You deserve what you deserve, sweethearts and what’s so wrong with letting it be known that you want exactly that?

But most importantly, don’t give up hope on love. …on romance, on truth. There is indeed someone out there who will have your back and honor the respect, consideration and passion you dish out to them.

I mean, even poor frustrated lil’ ol me still believes. You should too.

Until next time mah dahlings,

@Imani_Sublime

My very first book of poetry, a year in the making, was released today, June 30, 2010. I am very proud of the work that went into this book and I am so grateful to all those that helped me along the way.

Shout out to my homegirl @OohErika for helping me get it completed when all seemed lost and a HUGE shout out to the visual artists that are featured in the book.  All NY local artists: Erika Dickstein, Chevez Sanchez, Kel5MH, Kervin Ferreira, and Elstabo. Thank you all.

Below is a pic of the cover art designed by Kervin, as well as the link to purchase the book if interested.

I hope you all enjoy!

The link to purchase “Les Jeux”:

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1444988

SIDE NOTE:

Thank you all for supporting my site and my work. It means so much more than you think. I do what I do, because of you. I promise next postings, I will write a little something more to you all the next time I post.

Just one little nugget of positivity for you guys today:

You are loved and whatever hardships you are facing right now, shall pass. Place your faith in God or whatever higher power you believe in. Know that the problem, no matter what……always has a solution. It’s your job to figure that out, even if it sucks dirty socks to do so. And trust me, once you figure out your next move it will all fall into place. Have faith and anything can be done.

I love you all so much. I wish my arms were big enough to  hug you all right now.

Until next time mah dahlings,

@Imani_Sublime

(“Fight Series” by LaraFairie–www.devinatART.com)

So, here’s the deal: I got laid off. I haven’t been unemployed since I was fourteen years old, as I have always consistently held down a job. I was laid off two weeks before my 26th birthday and a month before my very first poetry book drops.  I lost all of my work and had to restart the formatting of the book, from scratch. This was all after an emotionally draining break-up a month prior. Bottomline, life done slapped me in the face….and it stings, babies…it stings.

I am blessed to have a very strong support system in my family and closest friends. I am aware of the potential of the situation and of all the opportunities this might present in the future. However, the one thing that was sparked in me is a raging fear of the unknown, the uncertain…..the reluctance to take that next step because Lord knows where it will take me. I have NO idea where I will be or what I will be doing in the next year and I suppose this was God’s way of reminding me that nothing is certain in life.

I will be 26 years old this Sunday (yeah, man…this year the birthday lands on Father’s Day) and my current circumstances are making me sit back and swallow a lot of my pride. I realize now the weight of regrets…I’ve never had them before. I guess I still shouldn’t because I know exactly where I need to be going and it is up to me to continue in that direction, no matter how long or how perilous the road may be.  I know all of this to be true….but now faced with the predicament of unemployment and dwindling funds…I am scared shitless and wishing I already had the degrees I am working so hard to achieve now.

BUT…..my fears do not mask my hope….they do not destroy my faith. I KNOW that things will be okay. I KNOW I will try my very best to be the person I have been working on becoming so hard. I will continue writing…I WILL release my book (thanks to @OohErika)…and I will find a new plateau in my life.  Love and romance are the farthest things from my mind right now and I suppose that’s best for me. I just know my life will never be the same and I will look back on these feelings of fear as motivation for success.

How does this apply to any of YOU? Well, as trite as it sounds, remember that even the worst days have to end…that you are capable of anything…your strength surpasses the moments of overwhelming frustration, of intense fear, of extreme uncertainty.  You need to maintain faith in yourself. Know that all you do will affect the outcome of tomorrow. Swallow your pride and ask your support system, to…well, support you. No crisis is bigger than you….no problem too outrageous to overcome. The ball is in your court now. Will you take the shot?

In essence, you are the strongest person you know. No tears can wash that away. No pain or heartbreak…no obstacle can hold you back if you’re holding onto your faith in yourself and in the beauty of the future. The question is not WHAT is your first step…the question is WHEN is your first step?

As for me, I am proud of myself for embracing the reality of my current situation….proud of myself for still pushing through and formulating plans and options to my life. I am glad that I am fighting and not giving up… that sucker punches of change only make me wiser and stronger. I have my fears of the future…but I also know this boxer won’t be KO’ed so soon.

We got this.

Until next time mah darlings…
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter)

(“Diary Writer” By Kocisko–www.deviantART.com)

Nowadays, I follow Popeye’s mantra: “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.”  But, I can recall moments in my life, especially in relationships, where I have felt as if I was asked to hide a facet of myself. I was always too street for the artsy dudes and too artsy for the street dudes. I struggled with my identity because for far too long, I allowed the opinions of my significant others to dictate the type of person I should be. I so often put the pen down or shunned my upbringing in order to maintain relationships and to this day, it is one of my biggest regrets and my biggest life lessons.

The other day, in a conversation with someone, a joke was cracked about my “little fashion blog,” and for a VERY brief moment, I reverted back to the youthful me who brushed off her passion because she felt made fun of for it. I blinked and the feeling was gone and after correcting him that my site is neither primarily about fashion nor is it “little”, I promptly said my goodbyes.

It was this situation that got me thinking about the person I am now and who I was trying to be back then.  I revisited an old dating blog I was writing back then…and within the postings I saw the person I once was…this young female who was so conflicted about life, love, and her direction in life. And now, here I sit…. having just completed my second semester back in college, a new focus on life and where I am going….the stagnancy gone….making moves and making waves. By reading those words I wrote back then, I can SEE how much I have progressed as a woman, an individual, and as an artist.  I went through some amazing changes in my life and now I am so clear and focused on what I deserve and what I am working toward. I can proudly sit here and say out loud “I am a woman, I am a student, I am a lover, and I am a writer.”

That’s right….a writer, fellas…I thrive on words…I write out my emotions in these postings and in my poetry.  In my teenage years, I sought to change the world with my words. As an adult, I have come to realize that writing has altered MY world….that showing myself through my writing is the most honest thing I have EVER done and not many can claim to be as honest with themselves. I use this blog to inspire me…as a way to share what I think is beautiful….as a way to support others who can proudly own who they are.

I’m a writer….it’s in me…it’s my first love…it has stuck around even when love didn’t….and it will stay with me until the day I die.

Writing  is a part of who I am…and if anyone cannot accept the beauty of every facet of who I am…they can hit the bricks, straight up.

Why am I supposed to be ashamed and embarassed by the fact that I can share my heart through words and look at my life through a poetic lense? I never understood that.  Why are we expected to be exactly what people want us to be and any sign that we have our own uniqueness is laughed at, joked on, or snickered at? I say…to hell with that. I embrace the very thing that makes some not embrace me. You may not like poetry, you may not like my writing, and you may not like the personal postings I have made here on this site….but you will respect me and what I do.

The lesson for you all is this:
Don’t EVER feel as if you need to hide a part of yourself from someone…you are an amazing individual…every single fiber of you. Love and friendship are not about editing yourself….it is about being loved for every single atom that makes you who you are. You don’t need to alter the fabric of who you are in order for you to fit comfortably with someone. Will they walk because they can’t accept all of you? Possibly. But trust me when I say that sometimes, things just don’t fit…but when that snug perfection does come along…you will NEVER have to worry about that kind of discomfort again, ya’ dig?

God made you exactly what He wanted you to be and you should never be told to avoid, hide, or alter the beauty of what He created.  To put it plainly, be who you are…. all of who you are, no matter what…no matter who. Be your own Popeye…be you. Because baby what a lovely light you have when all the facets of your diamond is shining.

As for me?  I’ll keep writing….I’ll keep sharing….and I’ll keep growing. And I’m so happy that you all are here to share it with me. ;o)

Until next time mah darlings….
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter!!!)

(Image retrieved via www.deviantART.com- artist/title unknown)

Sometimes you just lose. It’s that simple. The Rolling Stones said it best. You can’t always get what you want. But there are moments when, though it hurts, you know that this is what you NEEDED.  Life is such a dramatic rollercoaster sometimes. Too often we are swept away in our emotions and desires to see the truth of the situation. We push away the reality, blind ourselves with hopes… and pray that things will change. And then, you lose. It happens.

Without getting into too much detail, the love I so wholeheartedly proclaimed to the world is over. Yeah…that quick. I cannot speak for him or of him, out of respect for his privacy and in avoidance of drama. But I can definitely speak for myself. I can only say that I blame myself for allowing things to happen the way that they did….blame myself for not taking heed of my own advice sometimes…. blame myself for blinding myself with hopes and love. 

I can walk away now knowing that I tried and my second chance was met with every effort and good intention.

Sometimes you just lose.

But then again…. why even call it a loss? *wink*

Sometimes, you realize that what hurts you the most is often exactly what the doctor ordered. Does the hurt go away? No, unfortunately not. But what can you take from the moments of hurt? What can you take from the experience so you never go through it again? Learn the lessons being taught. 

I walk away knowing that my heart deserves what it wants, 100% entirely, completely, immensely and whole. That my personality is perfect just the way it is….even with the frayed edges.  Even with the blunt concrete humor that is sometimes met with a raised eyebrow (who gives a gotdamn? LoL).

I am SUBLIME…with or without anyone.

I walk away knowing that I love with every inch of who I am and that I am not afraid of  love when it enters my life.

But I walk away knowing that for the time being….  love is definitely on the backburner for me.  

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I am back to my hardcore partying ways. Or that I’m metamorphosing into some Girls Gone Wild meets Freaknik kinda chick. Effouttahere. My mother raised a lady. What I am saying is this. I loved. I lost. And now? I’m loving me…doing me. Not explaining to the world or yearning for something.  I am alone and I can dig it. I am alone and loving the freeedom to not give a damn…to not have to explain myself or my actions. The freedom and the confidence to say…oh, you don’t like it? Okay. Bye. The freedom to flirt and pick and choose who gets the privilege (yes mo’fos…the PRIVILEGE) of chilling with me. I walk away knowing my heart is still beating and still capable of loving the same way I loved him…even if it’s not him that is the one I am loving.

These words have NOTHING to do with him. Our issues and angers and layers of hurt with each other just proved to be too strong to allow us to communicate.   Though compatible in many areas, when it came down to it….what he needed and more importantly, what I deserved was never going to be met. All the blame games and all the drama and all the hurt and anger can not hide the fact that we just did not work. I was not what he wanted….and I now know he is not what I NEEDED. Do I smile at the good times? Yes…I do. But I deserve more and this is no longer about him or my resentment towards him…this is about ME and what I need.

I have already taken him out of the equation. The word “him” even is a variable….a culmination of all the past dysfunctional relationships (some more dysfunctional than others). I speak to them ALL. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you anymore. My heart is back to being mine.

See, guys? How can that possibly be a total loss? If I found myself through the hurt? If I figured out that I am WORTH the fight…and that I am WORTH walking from the past…. I am WORTH building and sharing a future with? That I am WORTH being loved for every error, mistake, flaw and imperfection? For every wrinkle, dimple and pound? For every curl, every eyelash, every smile and tear?  How can I ever lose if  every bad moment I have ever encountered  is merely a constant reminder of how SUBLIME I really am?

 Look, this is not saying he or any other ex boyfriend of mine is a completely horrible person (though I have a few choice words for all of them). They’re all in their own ways, spectacular human beings (some WAY less than others). But sometimes….as much as you tinker with it….it just stays broke. It just doesn’t work. And that is okay.

But as I’ve said…this is not about HIM. This? Is about me.

So what am I trying to tell you guys here? Know your fucking worth. Know that no failed relationship should define you or break you. Know that, eventually, there will be a moment where the hurt you feel will become a love for yourself so great and strong that NOTHING can pull you down.

Don’t feed into the bullshit. As much as you want to.

Know that no hurt lasts long enough to hide your shine. You are a beam of light in a dark room, baby…so light up the fucking planet.

And know this:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOSING IN THESE GAMES OF LIFE AND LOVE….ONLY PUZZLES SOLVED, LESSONS LEARNED, CHAPTERS CLOSED, STEPS TAKEN, PROGRESS MADE, LIFE LIVED.

Give all of the HIMS and HERS the fuck offs, the kiss-off, take what you can from the hurts and the smiles…. and grow.

But don’t ever let it get you down, babies because there’s so much more to be lived. *smile*

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime (follow me on Twitter!)

(“I Think I’m Paranoid”- by Miuaw– www.deviantART.com)

Life is such a funny thing. One moment, you’re golden…. everything is awesome… going smoothly. And then something happens that shakes your grasp on things, fucks your head up….reminds you that fate has got you by the balls and you are most certainly not in complete control of the way the cards fall. You can handle situations like this in one of two ways: feeling helpless, you submit yourself to the drama and suffer endlessly….or feeling determined, you figure out your own resolutions…figure out the lessons being taught and move on. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? *le sigh* It’s not.

The fates have often showed me who’s the boss of my existence. At times, I have swept my pride away only to be slapped in the face with sheer intense humiliation….but I have survived. I have always been the type of person, that though stressed in the midst of my life…I know that what I need is a bit of clear thinking, of strategy…of decisive and precise action. With every instance of drama…I have either gained a lesson or lost unneccessary dead weight. Either way…I have walked away.

You have an opportunity to make what you will of your life. You decide what path you walk along, but you have no choice about what that path entails. I do believe that there is a plan for all of us…but I believe even more that it is up to us to follow the roads that lead us to the fulfillment of that plan. Free will is the best and worst gift that God(dess) has ever given us. The real question is how do you make sense of it all? How do you know what path to truly take? I can sit here and say, you’ll feel it…you’ll just know. But in all honesty, you’ll probably have no idea. That’s the thing about free will…

The other day, I was shaken. I was hurt…I was angry…I believed it was all coming to an end. I truly believed that. Now, you might call me out for being insecure…but I’ll tell you something. I took the advice of someone and wrote a list with a header “I am…”. In the list, I described myself as honestly as I could. And I was surprised at the good I saw in myself. “Intelligent, kind, nurturing…” I found a confidence in my honesty…I rid myself of any insecurity by realizing this lesson: How we feel about ourselves is too often dictated by the responses we receive from the people we care about. If we can maintain our own views of ourselves, then the reactions of those around us wouldn’t really matter.

I’ll break it down.

I think that flaws are beautiful. I constantly acknowledge who I am as a flawed human being who often wears her heart on her sleeves and her emotions in ink. I am aware of my pain-in-the-ass-ness. I am aware of all that I am and all that I can be. I know where all of my insecurities stem from and I am confident that I am trying my very best to be the woman I was always setting out to be. If, in the face of the dramatics of life…. in the face of heartache or sadness…. if I can maintain that perspective on myself, I will never need someone to reassure me of how amazing I am. Again, easier said than done….but nonetheless… it has the potential of changing your life. Insecurity is too often the scapegoat of our issues. We stress over the people in our lives… allow love and friendships to dictate the way we feel about ourselves, allow the world to view us in certain lights. And the worst part is, it actually affects how we feel about OURSELVES.

I am not being holier than thou and acting as if this never happens to me. On the contrary, it’s something I struggle with all the time. It’s the reason I got the word “Sublime” tattoed on my left wrist. Sublime, in philosophy, is the quality of greatness or vast magnitude, whether physical, moral, intellectual, metaphysical, aesthetic, spiritual or artistic. The term especially refers to a greatness with which nothing else can be compared and which is beyond all possibility of calculation, measurement or imitation. In plain terms, it is the most awesome of the awesome. LoL. Everytime I struggle with my insecurities, I look down on my wrist and remind myself of what I am. I remind myself that I am not what people think, I am not completely my imperfections, and I am not my past mistakes. I am Sublime. Sounds silly…but it works for me. *shrug*

Why am I, yet again, all over the place with my thoughts? Here’s why.

Allowing people to create insecurity within us, to allow someone to dim the light within us… will never allow us to cross the threshold of our full potential. And if we constantly miss the lessons given to us, we will be living on a carousel…getting endlessly fucked by fate because we just can’t learn how to pass this stage. You can’t grow within yourself if you are relying on someone else’s opinion of you. And if and when life gives you a raw deal, re-evaluate what you need… do what is best for you. Drop the deadweight, as hard as that might be…and grow. Because you have to realize you’re a bad ass….you’re a righteous gangster…you have control of your own life and you can courageously face the obstacles that fate may put in your way. Life is worth living because we learn what our souls are made of in the face of adversity…heartache…in the face of unkind words and people. Nothing can stop you. You are beautiful despite the scars of fate, despite it all. Learn from life, mi gente and love yourself. Be your own humble hypeman.

Do you wanna know what number one was on my “I am” list?

“A Bad Mutha…..”

Can you dig it? Daaaaaaaaaamn straight.

LOL.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime <—-follow me on Twitter

(“Question” By SkySell-www.deviantART.com)

There comes a time in all of our lives, where we contemplate the roads we have traveled, lament over our past errors and embarassments, wish for a change, cry for our losses. We’ve all been there at some time. I  have no regrets in my life. There are moments that I wish I didn’t have to face or remember….painful moments that unfortunately cannot be erased. I always say “Nothing is gotten over….it’s just gotten through.”  Though there are scars left over, I have stepped out of the shame and fear and have survived.  Life alone is a war, each obstacle a battle within yourself. It is courageous enough to not give up and to continue living….even in the face of pain.  I have done it.

In saying all of this, the other day a thought came to me.  I’ve spoken about living your own life, following your own path…but when the thought comes to you…when the regret begins to creep into your life, what do you do? How do you deal with knowing…that in some instances…you could have done things differently?

I started college again at 25…a time when a lot of my friends either have their degrees already or are settling down with someone and having children. I was starting again at square one, after a few years of booze-filled nights and short skirts…. diner haunts and salsa music….I was finally back on the road I was meant to be on.  But this time armed with two things I didn’t have before…a plan and patience. There are things in my life that I cannot change and obviously life cannot be put on rewind…but I am thankful for all that I have done and accomplished. Now that I am in the right place in my life…I know I am more capable now than I ever was, to reach the heights of my dreams.

I am not like anyone else. And neither are you. I stress the importance of today’s choices leading to the consequences of tomorrow. I drill it in your heads that life is to be lived according to your standards and that no one’s opinion matters but your own. But what do you do when it’s your opinion that is haunting you?  I’ll tell you this. The moment I fear the worst, I push for the best. I am not afraid of anything that should try to deter me from my dreams….I will not let it. Will I shed tears over things? Will I be saddened and heartbroken at times? Of course. But as the cliche says “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

Nothing should EVER keep you from becoming the you that you are meant to be.  Too often, people use their circumstances as excuses….oh I have kids…oh I have to work….oh I am on my own…nobody cares…I am a one-person army. Well, good. Use your circumstances as a reason not as an excuse. You can do ANYTHING as long as you believe you can.  Nothing is out of our reach. Lord knows there will be times filled with sorrow, heartache, frustration…but not even those tears can wash away your ambitions.  Because when your eyes have dried…you still yearn for more. So I say…go for it. Make that happen….  

I’ll tell you a quick story before I end this one. A long while ago…I was infatuated with a man.  Someone who I isolated myself for…gave in to his requests, allowed myself to be enveloped in his wants, in his needs, his everything.  I had started my manuscript for the book I am writing.  I was so excited that I printed out what I had and gave it to him to read, hoping it would create some sort of interest, a conversation about it. Later, when we broke up, I went to his house to pick up my things and there the pages sat at the back of his closet, untouched and caked with dust. I hadn’t even noticed he never said anything about it…not a “Good job” or even an “It sucks.”  I sat there and cried. Not because he never read it…I’m actually glad his ass didn’t read it….but more so that I had abandoned it as well. The minute I saw those pages, dusty and forgotten…I realized I had done the same.  I had allowed what I had with him to interfere with what I loved about myself…something that was truly all mine and something that I hoped could make me the person and writer I’ve always wanted to become. And yet, once I had sat there for a moment, I wiped my face… picked up the pages and my things and left. I started writing again the moment I got home. 

You see…it wasn’t about him. It never was. It was about me.  It was about realizing the lessons that came way, even in the face of pain….and beginning again…working towards the dreams and goals I have always had…working on myself through the stepping stones of my life. Can you dig it?

And for the record…I have someone in my life now that given the chance would take a red pen out and critique the shit out of that manuscript because he believes in me so much. LoL.

All in all, what I’m trying to say is there will always be moments where you feel you have to put everything on pause. There will be moments where it hurts too much. There will be moments when the anger makes  you see red, the frustration makes you cringe, the pain makes you wince. But not any of these moments last…and when they pass…begin again. Start again…never let go of who you are and what you dream of or wish to become.

You are an amazing individual with an amazing story to tell….the question is….how will it end? That’s for each of us to answer on our own.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime <—-follow me on Twitter!!!

(“Take a Walk in My Shoes”–by Hiilda—www.deviantART.com)

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You cannot ask something of someone that you are not willing to do yourself. This can apply to all relationships be it romantic, familial, or friendly.

Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it?

Yet again, our assumptions are incorrect. Despite these seemingly clear cut statements, we constantly back pedal on it….interpreting it in a million ways to satisfy our egos and the situation.  Too many times, the disregard we hold for this simple rule of communication leads to fiery arguments and hurt feelings. If you feel justified in your actions, yet seethe over someone close to you doing the same, there is something wrong. I, myself have constantly had to put my ego in check when it comes to this and have sometimes had to teach this lesson to others.

But this entire concept goes further…..

The Websters definition of empathy is:  The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. In other words, placing yourself in someone else’s shoes in order to better comprehend their perspective. In order to be empathetic to a situation, you have to consider someone’s feelings, consider their reaction, their viewpoint and opinion.

So before we act out a scenario that could lead to potential anger or hurt feelings, we should always think first.

Damn, sure SOUNDS easy, doesn’t it?

I have often had to ask myself if my expectations of the people I have in my life often shape my view on them when they do not live up to those expectations. Sounds complicated? Let me break it down. If you expect someone to be a certain way with you, to have a certain viewpoint or to feel a certain way…. and they don’t….it’s often frustrating and hurtful and can lead to resentment and a strain on the relationship/friendship/kinship you have with them. I, myself,  have had to learn to swallow my frustrations and hurt and have had to try to be empathetic to the situation and issue at hand because in reality, my expectations really don’t matter in the long run.

My oldest brother always tells me “No one will ever do, act or say anything you expect them to.”  That is possibly the hardest lesson I have EVER had to learn.

The key to all of this…the one thing that ties this mish-mash of thoughts together is communication. Speak on it….whatever is upsetting you,  driving you mad, making you cry. No, they are NOT accountable for your feelings as you are not accountable for theirs.  However, your feelings DO matter and should be communicated without fear. Nothing you say or do should be a threat on the relationship you have with this person, be it romantic, friendly, or familial.

I am aware of my flaws, I alone carry them, but I am not always aware of its definition. How will I know if the room is silent and cold?  How will anyone know something is amiss, if they are not told…..if there is no communication?    

But in this same communication, you must remember to empathize with the person you are dealing with.  Take into consideration their feelings even if you are not accountable for them.  Don’t intentionally hurt someone you care about because your pride and ego are encouraging you to make your own stand, to believe that your opinion is the only opinion that counts and that your feelings are the only feelings that matter in the situation.

Because…they’re NOT!

 And realize that what you think is going to happen might not ever happen but that expectations not met aren’t always a bad thing. One can become so blinded by their desire for the person to meet their expectations and demands that they never truly see how beautiful that person really is.

In the context of my life, if I can admit to my own flaws…I also have to empathize and realize that the person I am dealing with may have their own….ya dig?

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all that mess.

You see how that little simple idea works for soooo many instances? Deep, huh? LoL.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime —-follow me on Twitter!!!

(“End of  Self Abuse”–by Babyinamorata— www.deviantart.com )

 I am not perfect. I often speak before I think, constantly have the wrong timing, am frustrated easily, distracted easier with high expectations of everyone and every thing around me. I think with my heart before my mind can get a word in edgewise and I cry when I’m frustrated.  I can eloquently elaborate my feelings and thoughts through written word yet stutter and stammer when speaking them out loud. I get lost in my own world and neglect people and things that I love in the process. I have a cranky attitude some days and I am nit-picky about certain things in my life. I over shop, have a shoe and purse addiction (not to mention lip gloss and jewelry)… I am not a video model with a HUGE monstrous booty and I don’t always put on makeup or comb my hair or shave my legs.  I hate getting up for work in the mornings but I am an early bird on my days off.  I have made and will make mistakes, blunders, errors, fuck-ups.

I am not perfect. 

Most times I am unapologetic for my flaws…I embrace them as part of who I am. But sometimes I get caught up in the whole ego aspect of things. Pride can get in the way of communicating and repairing things…. it can get in the way of your own self-actualization.  You’re so busy trying to protect yourself from getting “played” or from being made to “look like a sucker” that you often put up a roadblock to any communciation that might clarify and ease the issue. Furthermore, this constant need to show you’re tough, that you’re the one in control and not to blame blocks you from learning things about yourself that you can change because let’s be real…. it’s not ALWAYS the other person’s fault, ya dig?  Sometimes the energy invested in trying to protect your ego is exhausting. Sometimes when you’re wrong, you’re just wrong. Accepting responsibility for your actions can be hard if you allow your pride to get the best of you.

I’m spouting off line after line of knowledge but this all did not come to me over night. It actually arose from the culmination of my past and present.  So many times in the past, it was best for me to stand my ground, to protect my ego which I so often mistook for my heart. My devastation after falling out with someone I “loved” was merely me questioning my worth and questioning my capabilities, when all along the truth was that there was never any love at all and neither I , nor my imperfections were to blame. However, because of my own doubts and questions, I was constantly on the defensive….constantly looking for the release that would assure me that I was okay and that I was worthy of whatever I felt I deserved. 

It’s only now that I can see clearly the effects of my past errors in life on my self esteem, my future relationships, and the style in which I live my life.

I guess what all this means to me now is this.  My biggest imperfection has been my hiding behind my tough cookie act.  It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to say, “You know what? I was wrong and though I am angry about some things, I take responsibility for my own actions.”  It has proven to be a difficult task to let down my guards enough to show those imperfections. I love myself more now because I can love on the strength of my own self-epiphanies and the lessons I’m learning every day about myself through loving him, my family, my friends and myself. 

I am not perfect but at the end, perfection is merely an illusion. 

All that remains is two people trying to discard the baggage from past hurts and live a fruitful life, be it together or be it alone. And that’s word.

Does he have his own flaws? OH HELL to the YEAH. But this isn’t about him…..not necessarily.

This is about me and my own realizations of the woman, friend, lover, sister and daughter I want to be.  I was never a woman to believe in second chances or showing who I really was. I balanced precariously on the edge of vulnerability only to shield myself when the wind seemed to pick up. I know…I speak in metaphors….blame it on the poet in me.  I have skeletons in my closet and fears from my past, idiosyncracies and complexes and flaws and scars. But that doesn’t make me any less beautiful.  I have a heart that can love to it’s fullest potential, no matter what devastation has marred its innocence or what heartaches threaten to shadow my future.

I am beautiful despite my contradictions, despite my slip-ups and frustrations, despite my attitude…despite my crooked halo. 

I was going to write about the six types of love…. how each one is different and which ones I felt I have experienced in  my short life.  But I decided against it because what I’m trying to explain to you guys is that NO ONE is perfect and that no love can be defined in perfect little categories. This love shit is hard fucking work. 

In the end, there is no such thing as a perfect couple or a perfect friendship.  There are only ones that can constantly be learned from…. ones that can be improved upon or enjoyed. The trick is to know when to admit your halo is off kilter…when to take that L and swallow your pride for the sake of that relationship/friendship.  The trick is to admit when you’re wrong and be able to communicate your own frustrations in a non-confrontational manner.  Just remember that I never said it was easy….’cuz Lord knows it ain’t easy for me.

Until next time mah darlings,
@Imani_Sublime (Follow me on Twitter!!!!)

(“Veronica Wants to Die” – by EeehOoops —www.deviantart.com)

::Disclaimer::
 
[I have gotten used to writing directly to you guys as opposed to just writing only in metaphors and florid imagery. Poetry is DEFINITELY my heart but sometimes, you just have to vent, right? I officially dub these postings as the "Lemme Holla Atchu For a Second" category.  Almost like I'm pulling you to the side for a chit chat, a pep talk, a hug. *smile*  I just hope that some of what I write in these postings and in my poetry and even when I post through quotes, lyrics and so forth can be of some inspiration and guidance to some of you. ]

In saying that, let me begin by saying this week has been a hell of a rollercoaster. I have probably worried myself into exhaustion over health issues, suspected my heart of lying to me countless times and become too frustrated with issues not in my control.  I promised myself that this year I would react less and think more. I can only say now that doing so is not as easy as I imagined.

I have had to put my insecurities into check recently. I am a full fledged supporter of communication and honesty and yet, I found it difficult to say what hung heavy in my heart. Which had me thinking about my trust level in regards to my newly rekindled relationship. Did we have a tumultuous beginning? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I made a decision to try again….so to be suspicious, to be insecure enough to distrust what I allowed back in my heart, began to seem foolish.

I can’t sit here and say I have an idea of what the future will be and that this man will never hurt me again, but if that were even to happen….. I can say that I vocalized my fears, my worries, and my demands clearly from jump. I demand respect, as any woman should. There are things and issues that don’t always sit well with me and things that I have to accept for what it is. Yet, I am okay with it all as long as I am not thrown into the dark to feel around and figure it out for myself. As long as communication and honesty is a strong thread in the tapestry of our lives together, I am good with it all. See….I chose this…and I believe that it is worth fighting for….and that I, yes, me…..that my love is worth the fight, the struggle, and the beauty.

The weirdest part though was that my worst fear during this rollercoaster of a week was that if it ends so soon, how could I face the world? How could I preach to you guys about love and righteous affection when my own relationship seemed to be falling apart? I was scared of the eventual “You did it to yourself” talks. I was scared of the humiliation. And then… it hit me. The world wouldn’t matter. No misstep or mistake would be relevant in the grand scheme of things. It would be my hurt, my lesson, my walk. I made the choice and it is up to me to discern the outcome and the lessons learned from each day living it. No one else’s thoughts, opinions, comments or feelings about it matters in the bigger picture.

You see, everybody has something that they’re “supposed to” do. You’re supposed to finish highschool and then immediately finish college. You’re supposed to meet a man, get married, have a shitload of kids and live happily ever after. You’re supposed to be some Xena warrior princess all the time who can shake off a broken heart but never forgive it.

Well, to ALL of that, I always like to say what if MY “supposed to’s” are not what the world thinks they should be? What if I was “supposed to” lead my life exactly the way I have been? And if I do fuck up, make the wrong choices, lose friends, turn pages, get my heart broken and stumble a million and one times….the only thing I am “supposed to” do is get up for the millionth and second time and walk my own path.

So what I want you ALL to realize is one thing. Your life is dictated by you. Your actions today dictate every single one of your tomorrows. But, remember that this is YOUR path, so the peanut galleries and the two cents given need to be ignored and discarded. Unless you are in danger or are harming your self, no one has the right to tell you what kind of life you’re “supposed to” be living. Your choices and the postivity or negativity that resonates from them should be embraced as life lessons, ya dig?

FTW and its opinions and keep walking your own path. You got this.

As Eddie Kendricks sings “Keep on truckin’ baby….”

As far as for me? If the shit hits the fan, I will be one shitty survivor….operative word being “survivor,” ya dig?

Until next time my darlings….

@Imani_Sublime <—– follow me on Twitter!!!!

(((PS—-> The title of the art piece featured on this posting is kinda dark.  Please excuse the morbidity of it. I liked the photo…LoL. *shrug*)))

http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/1560260/wwwpenhittingpapercom?claim=rc3zz4ncg2d”>Follow

my blog with bloglovin</a>

(“Perfect Beginnings” – by Toaster_Crepe—-www.deviantart.com)

Life is full of unexpected things. I was hit with appendicitis the first week of February 2010, which unfortunately also happened to be the first full week of my second semester back in college. Talk about unexpected.  LoL. It had me out of commission for two weeks. Unable to bounce back the next day (duh)….my recovery gave me all that time to think.

The unexpected usually scares the shit out of us. It comes out of the blue and has, for the most part, the WORST timing. Suddenly, we’re faced with a decision to make, a road to walk on (or walk away from), or a detour.  What do you do when faced with the unexpected? Does it leave you scrambling? At a crossroads?

For me, as hard headed as I am, I embraced the repercussions of the pause button placed on my life. This meant giving someone I love a second chance after a very tumultous beginning.  There was a time I thought I could never forgive or forget….a time when my anger, my frustrations, and my hurt seemed to have me in a vice grip. I shook it off with every step and stride he took to prove it was worth a try. And now? I’m deliciously and unexpectedly happy. I guess it’s not always a bad thing, huh?

Is it a risk? Oh shit yeah. Is it scary? Abso-friggin-lutely. But I see a change in the way we deal with each other… it’s almost as if we are beginning at the beginning. There’s more honesty, more consideration, more love. Is it going to be easy? Nah…nothing ever is. Do we have issues that need to be worked through? Yes… we most certainly do. But am I willing to take that chance and try again?  YUP. Making this decision was not made lightly. I struggled with the idea for a long time. There were times I even denied my feelings because I was so intent on being that woman that believed giving a second chance meant I was a sucker (hurt me twice, shame on me kind of thing).  And after much thought and MUCH communication, I decided to throw my middle finger up at my own fears and go for it. I don’t know where we will end up or where this decision will take us. But I hope it’s farther than far…LoL.

YES…..I love you, PTP… let’s BOTH (yes, me too) try not to fuck it up this time, shall we? LoL.

In speaking of communication, I must relay this to the poem I posted today “Black Hole.”  The piece was written as a way to sound off on the people in my life that were so self involved that they abused the love/friendship we had. It’s smoldering with animosity, but actually, I  wrote it to communicate how strong I am now. 

I am happy now,sure…. but my reasons for writing the poem, for distancing myself from certain heavy presences in my life…for putting up my own walls is not because I have finally found happiness….HA, I wish it were that easy!  You see, there have been many a time I have allowed the drama and the bullshit to repeat itself. It became apparent that I was always the one reaching out, communicating about an issue, trying to solve it on my own. Responses were usually brick wall blank faces, cold shoulder treatment, bullshit subliminal messages, covert little mind fucks and dramatical dramatics…LmaO. 

 I finally decided that if a person in my life cannot communicate their emotions (whether it’s good or bad), if they cannot tell me when I have wronged them or made them happy…then what is the relationship good for really?  How is it productive to play the same record over and over again? How can a person resolve matters with silence and a quick brush off? How can one person resolve matters by pretending it never happened? You can’t loves…as nice and easy breezy as that sounds, it just doesn’t work like that. Because, just like my scenarios, the record will just spin the same song, even when you pretend not to hear it. The issue is still there, waiting for the opportunity to rear its head again.  I know the words of the song already… let’s play something else. 

In order to resolve things, communication and honesty is needed. Just like I said…here is the problem, let’s find a resolution. Does it suck that some people in my life need to fade out for awhile until they get what I mean? FUCK YEAH! Do I miss these people? YES. But you see, I am a talker and I realize how difficult it may be for others to express their TRUE emotions and not some sugar coated appearance to the world. I get it. But putting your emotions in the back of the closet like out of style shoes….by closing the door on communicating the issues… you close the door on ever resolving and repairing things with me.  

In saying all of that, PTP and I have decided that this will no longer be us. We realized that one of our biggest issues was the fact that we hid things from each other. Omission of the truth is still a betrayal, is still a lie. So we decided…even if it sears the heart, even if it sucks to hear, even if it hurts….we say it. Honesty and communication are paving the way for us. I can dig it.  I am taking a HUGE risk in laying my heart and my intentions bare like this, and it’s uncomfortable because I have no idea what the future holds. But even if it doesn’t work…I can walk away knowing I played my cards right, knowing I showed my hand….knowing I didn’t bluff.

Now….let me address you, my beautiful loving readers. What I want you to take from this is simple….embrace the unexpected changes and moments of life because it’s only God telling you that you put the track on repeat…time to drop another beat, homey. Live your life honestly.  There’s only one you and one life to live, and a deceit to the world is a deceit to yourself.  NEVER be afraid to communicate how you feel with people in your life. It’s a shame when you have to walk away from a friendship or a lover because of a lack of communication.

It’s easy to communicate though…here, I’ll help you begin at the beginning:

“I feel….insert emotion here.”

Until next time my darlings

;o) @Imani_Sublime —follow me on Twitter y’all!

(“Unwritten”-By MilkCookie–www.deviantart.com)

I am the type to envelop myself in drama if for some reason I find myself involved.  If I become entrenched in a drama, it is sometimes the ONLY thing that I can think about, analyzing then over analyzing, thinking and over thinking.  It distracts me to no end. I promised myself that this new year would bring a different mentality, a different mindset to how I face things in my relationships with friends, lovers and family.

Put simply…if there is a problem, find the solution.  What use is there dwelling on the issue at hand and going over and over it without thinking of a resolution to it? Honesty and  communication is key to everything. I am following that to a strcit T nowadays.  There should be no hiding, no omitting of the truth, no lying, no argument, no drama…no bullshit.

I am a true believer in living for the moment. I try my best to do what makes me happy no matter what because I have spent too much time rearranging my life, my days and hours to accomodate someone, be it friend or lover. I was so fearful of being abandoned…. of anger directed towards me that I’d neglect what I deemed most important to my life just to maintain that relationship.  I denied myself in order to give to them.  And even when I did…even when I bit my tongue, rearranged my life, neglected and isolated areas of my life for them…they still were not happy. 

I realized then that no matter how hard I try, there are some people in your life that fade away and find themselves in a past chapter of your life.  Shit happens, people change, chapters close, and pages turn.  It’s the way it goes. You just have to bite the bullet, brave the wind and face the music…. live…. keep on trucking. Even when it feels like the truck just hit you…. hard. Your life is YOURS…not theirs.  Why live for someone that has not come from your womb or placed a ring on your finger nor has your blood in their veins?  Even then… who dictates what is written on the pages of your story?  Yeah…ONLY you!

I have swept the dust off of my shoulders and stood brave against the storm.  I have been through mountains of obstacles and oceans of tears and I realize that I have always come out wiser, stronger…but more importantly, alive (for the most part…LoL). Nothing can stop me… and even if I crawl along this road I have paved for myself, I am proud that I am finally on the right path…proud that it is what makes ME happy, that it is everything to ME…that it is important to ME.  I am living MY life for ME. It is what it is because that is what I choose it to be. Dig?

 You can survive if you only find the strength and the courage to stand tall. Nothing feels better than dropping the baggage.  Your choices are your own. Love who you want to love, live how you want to live (do it safely of course).

But most of all realize this.

TODAY is the most important moment of your life. What you do, say, and create in this moment will dictate all of your tomorrows.  Anger and frustration gets you nowhere but to some fucked up tomorrows.

I do this blog for a number of reasons. I am enamored with fashion photography, as you can tell. LoL. I love sharing what I think is beautiful.  I love to support my friends who have their own sites and passions and art.  I love using words to create a story, an image, an emotion.  But most of all, I do this blog, because it makes me happy. It inspires me, it enlightens me…it soothes me. And every day that I find the courage to hit pen to paper, I burst forth into my happiness, leap into my life. It makes me exactly who I am. With no help, no handouts, no bullshit…and recently…no damn drama.

*smile*

I hope you have that kind of thing in your lives.  And if you feel you don’t….I pray that you find it.

I love you all.

Angelique Imani

Hello darlings,

I decided against posting poetry today because I wanted to speak directly to you guys, whoever you are reading this blog.  Thank you, first of all, for checking me out and vibing on my inspirations and my writing. It means so much more than you know to have your support.

As we approach this New Year, it has me thinking alot about change and progress. This new year is not just an end of one year, but the end of a decade. There have been some amazing moments and some poignantly painful moments….and in this decade, all of us have grown and matured (though some more than others) and all of us have struggled. But, before the ball drops  you should ask yourself this, what would you have changed….was there more good than bad? But most of all, what can you change now?  What needs to be done today?

For a long time, I worried about the things I have not done in my life. The loves I lost, the long gone chances and missed opportunites, the spilled milk.  I was filled with regret. I hoped so much for the future to be different, but was so enveloped in my disappointments that I lost out on the beauty of that hope. But, over time something in my heart changed….I changed. I can see now that I was born to be something, to create something, to love, to live and to survive.  Even if all I ever am is a blogger…even if I never quite reach the heights my past self hoped for…I will have become the person I was meant to be…I will have lived…and that alone is extraordinary. 

Someone close to me once told me that no matter what, when the dust settles, you are where you are meant to be.  Nothing lasts forever, not pain, not sadness… and not regret.

I am where I am supposed to be. And so are you. *Hugs* Even if this time for you is painful….breathe…. sit back and figure out the lesson that needs to be learned. Because the only good thing about heartache and pain is the thicker skin and the lessons learned. *Tighter Hugs*

In saying that, what we need to remember is this…..change and time are the two things in this life that remain constant and inevitable. Changes happen whether we want them to or not…time goes on whether we wish to stand still or run. The worries about the future or the dwellings on the past mean nothing at the end. What matters most of all is this moment, this precious second where you FEEL it…this little tiny fraction of  life that is tangible.  Take it, relish it, savor it… enjoy it. You can’t relive these moments…. there is no do-over in life. Only now. Only today.

So, today, as the ball drops, look around you, hug the person next to you, smile and cry and laugh at the new year. Welcome the change…welcome the new…welcome life.

And have a drink….here…the first beer is on me.

And remember, you are not alone. There is someone that loves you. Always. You all are in my prayers every day… I wish you all blessings, happiness, health, love, wealth, and progress in this new year and all the years you are on this Earth.

Happy New Years, darlings!!!

Love,

AIR (@Imani_Sublime on Twitter)

(“Note to Self”-By Insanely Beautiful–www.deviantart.com)

I have spent a lot of my time focusing on matters of the heart. Perhaps too much time. I started school again with a new drive, a new ambition that my heart was no longer allowed to speak for me. And yet, there I was, allowing my emotions to dictate my life, allowing my simmering love to guide me along like a current.

I am not one to claim perfection…I clam up and get defensive if I feel threatened, I wear my emotions on my face and my heart on my sleeve, and I bleed them all out for the world to see. I have my insecurities and I have my moments. I make mistakes, I trip up, I fall flat on my face over and over again, trying to get it all right.

I was hurt. I was hurt so immensely that there are moments of that pain that lie only in the poetry you read on this site. I gave in to be given up on, lost all strength and faith in love. And I hated that person for it…somewhat smeared that person’s name out of my anguish, out of my anger, out of my hurt. Was it the right thing to do? Possibly not.

No…there won’t be any Howevers, Buts, or Thoughs. No, instead, I talk to myself…to my fragile heart. Remember that the biggest parts of life are falling down… because it’s all in how gracefully you get up.  Trust in yourself before you trust in another…love intensely when you get the chance. Realize that this person is only partly to blame (though they are MOSTLY…LoL)…. it was your feelings of abandonment, intense anger, hurt…they all played a part in things. Lay your guards down at your feet and open your arms to the universe…allow a love to enter again without fear, without anger, without hesitation.

Learn to live with love already in your heart.

The words “La Perle Noire” is French for “The Black Pearl.”

One hundred times more rare than a white pearl, the black pearl represents the unique, the unusual, the hard to find and hard to become. The term was also given  to Josephine Baker, a Jazz Age star who’s sensual dancing and brown skin caused an uproar in France.

How would this phrase look tattooed in elegant script across my wrist? Hmmmmm…

(“Fuck you” By Feuerschildkroete- www.deviantart.com)

Come across a lot of intentionally cruel people in my life. I have been hurt and betrayed. It fucking sucks. Pain is not a good feeling…never will be. But I have survived it, albeit with a few occasional pangs of humiliation in my gut.

But thinking about these pains I have had in my life makes me pose this question? Why are there people in this world who enjoy laughing at other people? Does it make you feel better to shit on someone else? Does it soothe your own frustrations to point and laugh at someone else’s? And when did sarcasm ever become charming, ladies? *smh*

I have turned a new leaf in my life… and do I still make mistakes? Oh hell yeah. I fall over my feet and stick them in my mouth constantly. Lord knows I can laugh at myself. I have done some mean things in my past, which has all come back to me tenfold. I consider myself a genuine and kind person…who oftentimes is her own worst enemy.

I am not perfection… nor have I ever claimed to be.

But one thing I warn to all of those who attempt to big themselves up by stepping on others. It will haunt you. Trust me…whatever wrongs I have committed to another, has always come back to haunt me. I don’t wish that for you at all. I actually hope that you are a decent hearted person deep down. But to claim a clean soul and be so blackened by your own desire to amuse yourself with the pain, rejection,or embarassment  you see on someone’s face… I wish you the best of luck , all…. because Karma? it’s coming for ya!

By the way, dear… take another look at the picture above! I offer those words as well!

e·pis·tle
1. a long formal letter that often serves to instruct (formal)
2. a literary work in the form of a letter

Around May 2009, Linda Nieves-Powell of Latino Flavored Productions put out a call for writers to submit an epistle. I had no idea what to write and I racked my brain trying to figure it out. I thought about my uncle Tito who died two years before my birth and how I often wondered if he and I were alike in any way. From this thought, sprung a heartbreaking letter from a young female to her late uncle who died a day before her birth and all the repercussions his death had on her and her family’s lives.

I was scared, to say the least, when Linda explained I would be performing this at the Nuyorican Poet’s Cafe on June 11, 2009. I busied myself with work and other projects and didn’t think much of it, until the day approached. I was nervous…telling myself, just read slowly and with emotion, and you’ll be fine.

Listening to others perform, I was overwhelmed with the raw emotion and heart that all of these performers showed and was blown away by their intense work. I felt my stage fright creeping up on me. But surrounded by supportive artists and with the dedicated direction of Linda Nieves-Powell…I did something I have not done in five years…I performed on stage. And the experience, to say the least ,was exuberant and beautiful.

A special thank you to Linda, the cast and my friends who supported me in the audience. Thank you all for experiencing this with me.

Below is the piece I performed, entitled “Your Hands”

[Stay tuned for a later posting of the video]

Your Hands
By Angelique Imani Rodriguez

Dear Tío Chuy,
The first time I heard your name I was turning ten years old. Mami was bent over the sink crying before I left for school and I couldn’t figure it out until Papi told me about you. They called you Chuy and told me that you were my mother’s only brother and had died the day before I was born. They told me I had hands like you.
I found out much later that your real name was Jesus. I guess that is an appropriate name for you. To them, you always were a revered entity. They told me you died when a mugger trying to take your gold chain shot you in the heart. Papi tells me it was way more than a mugging. He tells me to be realistic.
“C’mon nena, you know what it was about. He was about your age when he died. What are poor brown boys doing for quick cash, huh? You tell me.”
I’d like to think you never got our hands dirty, Tío Chuy.
The anniversary of your death marks the coming of another year for me. Every year on that day, Mami shuts herself in her bedroom and cries or prays or drinks or smokes, as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist…as if I don’t exist. Sometimes I can hear her crying…sometimes I can smell the tobacco in the air. She never smokes except for that day and now the acrid smell of cigarettes always reminds me of my birthday.
Things became a lot more complicated than I could have ever imagined at that young age. Abuela died around the same time Papi left. I was fifteen years old. She passed in her sleep one cold morning. He left a month later. I suppose the pressure of helping my mother through another death in the family was just too much for him. Soon after, I had to admit Mami into the hospital for panic attacks while Rosa, our neighbor stayed with me. She’s in therapy now and on anti-depressants that don’t help at all. My mother has always been like a sad puppy that becomes vicious when comforted. And yet, no matter how mean, I still want to hold her. I know she loves me …she tells me every day…but her scars dull her voice to a whisper.
I never really speak to my father as much as I use to but when I do, his voice is tinged with resentment and age. I wonder how much more he had to face with Mami compared to me and I don’t hate him for being the man he is, though he is oftentimes infuriatingly stubborn now. I just don’t have patience for Papi. He always did for everyone else and never really had anything done for him… and I suppose it changed him….being the comforter all the time. Now, he wants to be nurtured and cared for. He prefers to live alone but is never seen without some docile woman hanging off his every word, who he drops like a bad habit when they reveal they are human and have their own problems. He calls this chapter in his life “his time,” and he’ll be damned if any woman and her issues causes a wrinkle in that. I guess he means Mami and I as well, since the last we spoke to him was months ago.
I ask myself if it caused them to become the people they are today. If you had never died, would they still be as in love? I wonder if my relationships with them would have been better, if even I would have become a different person. Would I have a good relationship with you if you were still here?
And out of all of this, I ask myself what did I do? Did they forget I was there? I would get so angry whenever my birthday would come around. I never got a birthday party as a child because Mami was too tired or sad to throw one. Even when I turned sixteen, I was given some money and told to go have fun with the friends I didn’t have. I used the money to buy weed. They didn’t even notice. I was always told “Remember what day yesterday was and be patient with her, nena.” It seemed as if your death always outweighed my birth. No matter what. What did I ever do to deserve that? Out of sheer frustration and confusion, I put them through more than I should have; rebelling against flimsy curfews, smoking pot and drinking heavily. Needless to say, my choices in boys were everything my parents and God wanted me to stay away from. I was no angel, Tío Chuy.
I have always hated my long fingers, my thick wrists. I hid them when I went on dates and stuffed them in pockets at school. Sometimes in a tiny moment of affection, Mami would hold my hand and tell me how lovely you played piano. At sixteen, I took to self cutting. Slicing red lines into the knuckles, fingertips, and palms they said were yours. I hated the hands that reminded all of them of you.
And yet, I wonder to this day if my nose is like yours…if my mannerisms match yours. I wonder if we laughed the same, if I have the same smirk as the one in the picture I took from Abuela’s altar. I tell myself that you and I were alike and that is why Mami pushes me away when she’s sad and Papi could never hug me. I reassure myself that this penchant I have for writing my thoughts down is because I have your hands and your hands would have written volumes upon volumes.
I am studying to be a teacher, Tío Chuy. I go to college upstate in Utica. This year I celebrated my twentieth by myself. I smoked a cigarette in front of the dorms and threw up from the taste of my own birthday. I cried from not knowing you….from wanting to understand the wheels in my father’s head and for yearning to heal the wounds in my mother’s heart. I am tired of asking questions I will never get the answers to…of wanting to know who my family could have been…of feeling angry at them… of them shutting me out from something I had no control over. I am tired of trying so hard to change and having the same feelings I always had follow me everywhere I go…even all the way upstate to college.
Mami asks me why I feel it necessary to write this to you. She shakes her head as I scribble this letter to you on the pages of a composition notebook. She always thought writing was a frivolous hobby and it has sometimes been the topic of our most passionate arguments. She’s thrown out plenty of notebooks over the course of my adolescence in an attempt to rid me of it, but this letter? She is too scared to even breathe on these pages.
I remember my tenth birthday and being told about who you were, and it almost tears me apart. I want to reach out and hug myself and comfort her before any of the next decade happens. I blame you. I blame you for her sadness and his distance and my loneliness. I blame myself because I have your hands.
She asked me what I will do once it’s written. I told her it was just for me and I would do nothing with it. But I plan on leaving this on your grave…I want it to disintegrate into the soil and feed your remains. I want to bury it with both of my hands…your hands…our hands. I want you to feel…all the way in Heaven… the person you never knew….the life your death has changed.

…is not always easy.  The next chapter is sometimes a faster read than the previous….and a lot of judgment and I-told-you-so’s and you-should-have’s and you-oughta’s are always offered from the people around you. Embarassing? Indeed. But what can you possibly do to change what people think or say or feel about you and your decisions in life? Nothing. You can only dust off your pains and move on….focusing on the next clean sheet of paper.

(“Naked But Safe”- By Amatorka–www.deviantart.com)

As for me? I bare my soul through my words. I see it as a carthartic way to rid myself of hurt and pain. I always say I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face…and in times of distress, discomfort, anger, or despair… the tears will flow. It’s not something I can control….it just happens. But with writing, I have no hesitations, no fears, no stuttering or getting choked up…no…with writing…I am courageous and outspoken and eloquent and clear-headed. With writing I “vent” and show the world my naked emotions that I cannot otherwise express. It is nothing to be mocked or ridiculed… it is merely my process.

Recently, as I am sure you can all tell…the winds have taken quite a tumultous turn in my life. I have not been able to fully realize the lesson being taught and I only hear my own heartbreak and indecision. But someone told me “I know I am going to be happy no matter what…I make sure of that over anybody and anything.”  I have felt less and less like the person I once was and that is my biggest heartbreak… that I have failed myself and my own heart.

So, in saying this…in laying my soul out in green italics…I move on. I look out for MY happiness…for MY heart. I am nobody’s second choice…nor am I anyone’s punching bag or afterthought. I am my own worst enemy and my first obstacle…but I am also my first responsibility and first priority. I hold no grudges nor do I hate…I love still… I love immensely and deeply…but as you all can tell.. the biggest downfall of a poet is love…so now what to do…what to do??? 

I sunk to low levels… but I rise again…

…..Moving on…..