Shame, Faith, and Swimming
(“For Shame of Doing Wrong” By Offering—www.deviantART.com)
I haven’t posted in a while and I have neglected the site. I admit it. I have been so distracted that I haven’t had the concentration it takes to get these postings done. And booooooooooooooy, what a roller coaster I have been on. Let’s begin, shall we?
Recently, I was violated in a way that I never thought anyone would attack me. I was devastated at the violation, the disrespect, the blatant cruelty that these particular individuals cast on me. I am still struggling emotionally with what happened. It was an attempt to hurt me, to make me feel shame about my body and sexuality. I have never been one to be ashamed of my body, even at this presently thickest stage of my life. I have posed nude, in all of my voluptuousness, for artists and have never been one to be squeamish about expressing my sexuality or my womanhood, especially to a man that I have been or wanted to be with. Yet, this juvenile attack on me called me out of my name, labeled that same confidence and pride as “smuttiness,” as “being a ho,” as a shameful thing that I did. I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality, I am only ashamed I trusted the wrong person, only ashamed of the label which was placed on me.
Have I made stupid mistakes in my life? YES.
Do I claim to be an angel? NO.
Do I claim to be a virgin? Absolutely not.
Do I claim to be better than anyone? No.
But NOTHING I did warranted what happened. NOTHING! I tried everything I could to resolve the issue, to fight back,to get this deleted, erased, destroyed…. but unfortunately was told that there was a slim-to-none chance of exacting any legal actions against these individuals. So, at this point, I am slowly trying to mend the damage it has caused. I can only keep living my life. The world does not stop revolving just because someone has tried to humiliate me.
And, if by chance, you are one of those individuals that attacked me, laughed at me, commented in a cruel manner, judged me, labeled me…I say this to you. I won’t lower myself to say any fuck-yous or go-to-Hells….no…instead, I pray that God has mercy on you when it’s your turn to hurt, when it’s your turn to cry. I won’t bother giving you the boo-hoos or the woe-is-me either. If your goal was to humble me, to place embarrassment and shock in my spirit, to slap me in the face….to hurt me…. then congratulations, you have accomplished your goal. Feel proud that you have anonymously attacked me in the most cowardly and juvenile way possible. I hope that one day in your life, you realize the errors of your ways and turn to God for forgiveness. I have no doubt in my mind that you believe you have won some kind of victory. But alas, you have not won, my dear…no… I win because I walk away from this with lessons and thicker skin. I win because I have stumbled but not fallen. I win because my faith is stronger than your hate. You see, I know and God knows…the people that love me and know the truest me…. know that despite my flaws and errors in life… despite this particular stumble…that I am NOT what you say I am. And that makes me the winner. All you did was strengthen my family ties, make my real friendships realer and the fake ones fall to the wayside, make my skin thicker and my trust thinner. So I win. *Insert Rocky theme song*
I am on the verge of tears writing this because it has changed the very scope of my life, brought me back to emotional places in my past I thought I had rid my spirit of. It has given me flashbacks of past violations that have permanently scarred me. I sank to a place I never thought I would go…a dark place that with the help of loving family and friends and with my faith…I am slowly pulling myself out of. I am going to my third semester back in college and have embraced the path and direction I have chosen for myself…I have accepted the role that writing has taken in my life, I have loved and lost and all that good shit…I am alone but happily seeking myself. This situation has put my spirit in a vice grip, has made me pray for some kind of release. I am NOT the religious type but I do believe in God…my own God, loosened from the binds of organized religion…. I believe in Him, that entity that surrounds us all with love and teaches us the lessons of our mistakes, that protects us. I DO believe in Jesus Christ so I guess you guys can call me a weird Christian. I trust the Word. So I know that my faith will guide me to the end of this rocky road. That He will show me the answers through this, that nothing He can ever have me experience is something I cannot handle.
Okay, enough of the spiritual stuff. I’m not a spiritual blogger, never have been, but I do have to acknowledge that my FAITH is the one thing that is making me strong. I read this on Twitter and I loved it so much that it has now become a part of my daily mantra: “Do not tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.” And my God is BIGGER than any obstacle I may face. So, am I shaken by this humbling experience? ABSOLUTELY. But do I trust and have faith that He will guide me out of this? I never doubted it.
How does all of this apply to YOU?
Well, my darlings, I want you to remember that no matter how you play the game there will always be someone that does not applaud you or your progress. You can be the meanest person in the world or the kindest person in the world and there will still be people in your life that will intentionally try to hurt you….and sometimes, you just can’t dodge that bullet. Don’t change the person you are because of the hurt or pain you may experience at the hands of someone else. You are perfect, in all your flaws, scrapes, and scars. Life doesn’t stop after pain…but no matter what, don’t let go of the faith that things WILL get better, that the wound will heal, that you WILL survive it. Remember that there are people that love you and care for you, that support you no matter what you do or say. There are people in your life that love you despite any mistake you may make…that love you unconditionally.
The heart is the body’s strongest muscle…and even the biggest of heartbreaks are slowly mended. Trust in the ideas of Karma…in the age-old saying “What goes around comes around.”
But most of all, remember that no matter what, you must keep going…. keep pushing….keep on trucking…. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.
Don’t EVER allow hurt to dictate the rest of your life. Because then….the violators DO win. And we can’t let THAT happen, now can we?
God bless you guys.
Until next time mah darlings,
Imani_Sublime (yes, I still bear this name despite their attempt to defile it….I am SUBLIME…always)
*** Warm shout out to my loving and supportive family, @iamcrumbs, @OohErika, @VanillyNYC, @keyla83, @Tenacious618, @Mr_Cuervo, @Perfpersnickety, Promise, Danette, Brichelle among many others …..and yes, my God for bringing me back to my reality and reminding me of the me that I am. My love and appreciation for you is immeasurable***
